Dearest Editor,

I come humbly before you as a mere student — a scholar, if you will — who finds herself unable to support the message of a recent and controversial opinion article (OPINION: Students should participate in a Secret Santa). The article at hand argues that students should participate in a Secret Santa to relieve stress, boost morale and improve friendships. However, I argue that participating in Secret Santa is, in fact, contradictory to those goals. Furthermore, I propose an alternative, clearly superior gift exchange: the White Elephant.

The White Elephant gift exchange, in which relatively useless gifts are exchanged in a competitive fashion (see Google), accomplishes the goals of stress relief, boosted morale, and improved friendship far more effectively than a Secret Santa.

First, let us think about stress relief. While stress relief could be claimed as a benefit of a Secret Santa, I disagree. What could be more stressful than picking out an actual gift for a specific friend? How am I supposed to know what you like, Stacy? I barely even know you. Honestly, who even invited you? Do you even go here?

A White Elephant, on the other hand, allows for anonymity and stress-free gifts that toe the line between “I bought this on purpose” and “I forgot about this event until 2 hours ago, so I stole a pack of paper from the printers in Talley.” White Elephant takes the pressure off gift-giving so that you can focus on what is truly important during the holiday and exam season — one more episode of The Great British Bake-Off.

Another alleged benefit of the Secret Santa is boosted morale. Again, I vehemently disagree that Secret Santa accomplishes this goal. It is an indisputable fact that 9 out of 10 Secret Santa gifters go home unsatisfied. In this true fact scenario, Gifters 1-3 both give and receive objectively trash gifts. Gifters 4-6 give trash gifts but receive thoughtful, personalized gifts, creating an acute sense of guilt. Gifters 7-9 give thoughtful gifts but receive trash gifts, crushing their holiday spirits and forever tainting their respective friendships. Gifter 10 is that one person who is always just a little bit too happy and makes everyone else feel even more unsatisfied in comparison. Please do not check my math on this because I am an Expert.

The final benefit proposed by the author is “improved friendship.” As I have already covered the questionable effects of Secret Santa on friendships in the preceding paragraph, I will instead focus on the superiority of White Elephant in improving friendships. As we all are aware, conflict and adversity strengthen relationships. Through my participation in White Elephant gift exchanges, I have found that nothing builds community quite like minor physical altercations over inconsequential junk.

This is also a convenient opportunity to work through any preexisting frustrations one might have with friends under the guise of emotional attachment to gifts. Gary, how dare you make assumptions about the type of gift I need right now? How would you know? All you do is hang out with Karen these days.

Of course, conflict and adversity can also strike a deadly blow to relationships. However, were those really relationships you wanted to preserve in the first place? Jocelyn, if you can’t handle me at my “willing to throw blows over a Squatty Potty,” you don’t deserve me at my best.

While there remains a significant amount of nuance to unpack in the Secret Santa/White Elephant debate, I feel that I have sufficiently proven my point. Also, I have lost my momentum in writing this article. Goodbye, and happy gifting!

K. Scruggs

Kati Scruggs is a fourth-year studying applied nutrition and women’s and gender studies