The letter written to us by our “intellectually superior” neighbor really infuriated me. Not because they’ve offended me, but because I can’t read. Sometimes I like to pretend that I know how to read by picking up a copy of the Technician and holding it in front of my face, upside-down, as I eat in the dining hall. But it’s time to face the facts: I, along with every student at N.C. State, am as incompetent as the far superior Tarheels say I am. It was nice to get that off of my chest.

I know other N.C. State students who are reading this might get mad at me, but don’t you sometimes fantasize about being Chapel Hill students too? Don’t you daydream about being the quintessential smart elects? Our students are too busy in the library pretending to read and solve complex equations. And for what? For the Wall Street Journal to take pity on us by ranking us higher than UNC on the Top 25 Recruiter List? Our superior ranking would be snatched from us if students at Chapel Hill knew about it, but, fortunately, a strange chemical reaction takes place when UNC students touch a copy of the Wall Street Journal causing them to spontaneously combust.

Since I can’t read, I’m assuming that the notice UNC’s student paper was so kind to write harped on the same, outplayed insults that I hear from Chapel Hill fans. We are deserving of these insults; we will never be rivals. Let’s stop trying to compete with Chapel Hill on the athletic turf. Chapel Hill will consistently have the best athletes simply because their University provides them with more perks. Our programs have been run too ethically; we can’t reasonably hope to compete. It’s a wonder that we were ever considered to be rivals.

Now, I’m not a genius from UNC, but I’m sure that you guys have figured out that Chapel Hill has been letting us win in football for the last four years. And if any hope ever existed for our basketball team, they don’t even have a coach now. How is the team going to coach themselves? I mean, maybe we could get a new coach that’ll help the team reach its full potential and return the Wolfpack to its former glory, but what are the odds of that happening? We’re better off sacrificing the animals at the veterinary school to Cthulhu.

So let’s celebrate Academic Inferiority Day all year long by staying modest about our past triumphs, learning from our failures, and remaining optimistic about our “bleak futures.”

I hope that all N.C. State students have at least one friend in Chapel Hill who can read this response to them. My UNC friend was kind enough to type this for me, as I struggled to think of words to make coherent sentences.

Ahmed Amer is a sophomore in business administration