Dear Staci,

I like someone who I used to have something with. This was all around November/December of 2010 and then during Christmas break, the flirty texts from this person stopped and the vibe that this person liked me wasn’t really there anymore. Now it is April and for some reason, I still can’t get over this person. I’ve gotten a lot better about thinking about them all the time but it still hurts a little when they talk about someone they like who isn’t me. We still have a great friendship and I think that if I talked to this person about it, it would just make things awkward. Do you think the feelings will eventually just go away or do I need to put in extra effort to make them go away? I feel like if they approached me first back then, it’s not impossible for them to like me again, but at the same time I don’t want to harp on something that has met its ends. What do you think, Staci?

Sincerely,

Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed and Confused,

This is definitely a tricky situation and one where I like to use the phrase “people are crazy” and also fickle. One minute they like you, but the next minute they’re focused on someone else.

They could have also enjoyed the attention and only backed off once they realized you liked them more than they liked you — which is actually the admirable thing to do in that situation.

No matter what the reasons are for their hot and cold actions toward you, the easiest and fastest way to get over these people is to stop hanging out with them. You don’t have to make a big deal about it, just start saying “no” every once in a while when they want to hang out. Sooner or later, they will stop asking.

When you feel you are finally ready to be friends and you don’t want to pursue a relationship anymore, you could try to reach out to them. But you really need to take a step back and realize, unfortunately, they do not want to be with you.

How do I know they don’t want to be with you? People are very good at knowing when a friend likes them. This is probably why they are talking to you about the other people they like, so you get the idea that they are not into you.

Also, since they know you like them, they should back off and give you the space you need to get over them. They should know why you need time and give it to you without much of a fight.

I, too, was in this similar situation. I went on a limb and told a good guy friend of mine that I was into him; he did not reciprocate. After I told him, we sort of awkwardly said goodbye and didn’t see each other for about six months. This was actually a big change since we hung out pretty much every weekend the previous year.

At first I was kind of upset he stopped calling or texting me, but then I realized he was giving me the time I needed. About six months later, he called me up and asked me to dinner. It was like old times, except I was over him. Now we don’t hang out as much as we used to but we are still good friends.

If you are interested in keeping this person as a friend, I really think you need to take some time off from them. Good luck, as this is definitely one of the harder things to experience. Get yourself together first, be strong, and don’t worry about your friendship; the best thing you can do for this friendship is to take a break from it.

Sincerely,

AskStaci