Letter:
“I have been with my boyfriend for two years. Until about a month ago we were very serious and had even talked about moving in together. Then suddenly he became distant and way more argumentative than normal. I know it was dishonest but I looked at his text messages when he was in the shower one day and saw that he had been texting another girl. I asked him about it and he claims that she is “just a friend.” I love him and want to believe that he is telling me the truth, but what other explanation could there be for his change in behavior recently? I don’t know what to do. Help!”
Two years is what I call “the breaking point” in most relationships. This is when you either decide you are in it for the long haul or decide you are over it. So, this is not an unusual situation.
The first point I’d like to make is the possibility that your boyfriend is cheating on you is definitely not the only thing wrong with this relationship.
You obviously don’t trust your boyfriend, or else you wouldn’t have checked his phone. Trust is key in any relationship, and unfortunately, now you have given him a reason not to trust you.
You basically have two options: break it off or try and keep it together. Obviously the first is the easiest of the options. Not emotionally, of course. Break ups are rough, but this is the great thing about dating instead of being married — it’s easy to get out.
The second option is going to take a lot more work. The first thing you need to do is apologize about going through his phone and try to gain some trust back. You also need to be honest about why you checked his texts in the first place. You also need to tell him how you feel and that you think he has been treating you unfairly. Ask him why he’s been distant and argumentative lately.
Most people who cheat are missing something in their current relationship and they go looking for it elsewhere. This is not always something physical, but they could be missing something that they used to feel with their boyfriend/girlfriend but don’t anymore.
For example, simply texting someone who is not your girlfriend could give him a thrill he has not had in your relationship for a while. He may not actually have any intention on acting on anything with this other girl, but it’s exciting to try something new.
If it’s something like that, you need to make sure that your relationship has not fallen into a rut. You should make it a point to go out on dates and have fun instead of always being at home, watching TV and in bed at 10 p.m.
All relationships take work, especially long-term ones. In the beginning everything is new, exciting and worth working for, but as you get more and more comfortable, you forget to actually have fun.
So be honest with him, figure out what’s missing in the relationship. If you feel this person is worth being with, try and save the relationship. This could take a lot of effort, so just be sure this person is really who you want to be with.
If you two do end up working it out, you have to both agree that you trust one another. You should tell him you will not check his texts, and he should agree to talk with about how he is feeling.
The next time you fight, don’t bring it up just to hurt him. You have to both let it go so you can both move on.
Good luck, forgiveness can be difficult, but, along with trust, it is key in any relationship.
