Wolfpack fans may not be treated to another football victory over Chapel Hill in the years ahead, after all.
No, this is not due to any perceived improvement in UNC’s horrible athletic capabilities, but the fact that their athletics program may just be disbanded due to the severe budget cuts being faced by the UNC system.
Speaking exclusively to N.C. State’s Student Media, UNC system President Bomb Frost on Friday said that the UNC Board has unanimously voted to cut Chapel Hill’s budget by 50%, a figure, he said, that was agreed to by Chancellor Holding Crops.
“The Board on Friday decided to cut major spending on all non-performing Universities. The first name on everyone’s list turned out to be Chapel Hill, as it is really the black sheep in the UNC family. Consequently, it was unanimously decided to close down their pathetic athletic program.”, Frost said.
Crops agreed, saying this was well deserved after their horrible performance in recent years. “I was among the first to bring this to the table and I can’t tell you how happy I am to get rid of our football team. They are so pathetic, it’s unbelievable. We haven’t even beaten State since the past 4 seasons, so finally, we thought, it was time for them all—coaches, players, attendants—to get lost,” Crops said, “You know what, I’ve always been a State fan secretly, and now I can flash my true colours with pride.”
This is not all, however. Out of the 77 bachelor’s degrees currently offered at Chapel-Hill, only 5 will now remain. The College of Arts and Sciences and the Schools of Dentistry and Medicine will now become a part of Chapel Hill’s history as Crops gets ready to pass the pink slips around. Many people, including faculty and students at Chapel Hill share the Chancellor’s opinion and thank the budget situation for this opportunity to get rid of these ridiculous programs.
Willie Blooper, dean of the school of witchcraft and medicine believes it is a step in the right direction.
“For years, we have been fooling students into believing that they can get a good education here. We have even conjured wishful statements about becoming the nation’s leading medical school and God knows what other tosh,” said Blooper, “Now is finally the time to own up. We can’t keep lying to people, telling them that they are getting a reputable education here at Chapel-Hill. Nothing could be farther from the truth.”
Blooper also said that as long as people like him are around, student success will remain a distant dream at any institution. “You know, ever since they hired me, I have known that these people know nothing about quality. If a humbug like me can become the Dean of Medicine, you can surely imagine the plight of the students here. I don’t even know what I do here—I simply delegate all my responsibility to my assistants and play my Xbox every day.”
Juliet Grossmeot, senior in random doodling, says this could not come at a more opportune moment. “I’m so glad that this pathetic excuse for a University is folding up. As it is, no one comes to study here. All day long, people are only interested in pissing on Franklin Street. Once they get bored of that they hold competitions among themselves to see who can drink the most piss in a stipulated amount of time.”
While such antiques would be troubling for normal, good society people, Grossmeot says this is the way of life for students here. Not only this, she says there is not a single heterosexual being on campus, save for one professor [read adjoining story] and dating is virtually unheard of.
Interestingly, this news came as a surprise to a lot of students on campus, and the first they heard of it was from the Technician, the only respectable college newspaper in all of North Carolina.
Dick TuSmal, freshman double majoring in PlayStation and Nintendo says this is not surprising, considering Chapel Hill’s deplorable student media and school of journalism and mass communication. “The University’s student media is notoriously famous for requesting inflated budgets and then secretly using the money to pay off huge debts their reporters have accumulated playing poker.”, TuSmal said.
Last year, The Daily Tar Heel, just another daily pamphlet published by Arkham asylum’s inmates, was involved in espionage activities against the Pope—an exercise some consider the high point in its otherwise useless history.
With such a redundant group of institutions and students, it is no wonder that Chapel Hill is now readying to breathe its last. To this, we say, Amen!
