All right bro, stop double fisting those Whey protein shakes for a second and listen up—actually, finish the shakes. We’ve got a situation on our hands. We’ve got intramurals . Four to seven sacred nights a week, we can put down our books and pummel some nerds. But before you start crotch flaring everywhere, there are some things you’ve got to know.
The squad you put together is crucial. I try to pick up my squad around the bench press. Anyone who can’t bench 270 pounds without a spotter can’t make my team. I’m looking for kids who can deadlift Harrelson . Once I find who I’m looking for, I’ll try to spark a conversation about the latest issue of Flex or the last episode of Dancing With The Stars, just to make sure they’re legit.
After your squad is in place, it’s time for you to get some custom jerseys. You could craft them by hand, but then you’d have to join a sorority and change your name to Kristy. Your best bet, assuming Under Armour doesn’t come through with that sponsorship deal, is to get your jerseys from a local custom clothing shop or online. My personal favorite online site is Zazzle . Even the name is hardcore.
Your jersey design has to be on point. It starts your animal. The beast on your jersey should be the first crotch flare to the opposing team. In years past, I’ve designed kits around bears, lions, Bigfoot—and I’d like to give some special props to my boy Ed Hardy for introducing me to dragons.
After you’ve got your creature, all you need is a jersey color; blood red and black are your only options.
After I’m done with my six hour tailgating session in the health center parking lot, I’ll hit the fields. Once the game starts, I never worry about my performance. I’m not sure where my calm comes from. Be it the pre-gaming, the chemical enhancements, the brain damage from years of ultimate Frisbee or legitimate preparation — all I know is I’m ready to make a kid crave a cubical at D.H . Hill.
If you’re having trouble getting as pumped up as me, just think what strangers will think of you if you lose. That’ll light a fire.
It is critical you understand your referees are not real people. Throwing obscenities would only hurt if someone was getting paid next to nothing to sacrifice his night to assist you, but since the refs are always content to bask in your glory while they look ridiculous, you must carry on.
I always make a strong effort to remind the refs that at all times I’m being fouled. Remember, if they’re not penalizing the other team, they’re penalizing you.
Throughout the game, look for alternative avenues to victory. I’m not talking about cheating; to cheat you have to be caught. For example, in flag football, I like knotting my flags to my belt. You can seriously drag kids about 20 yards before the play is blown dead. Remember though, you must accuse the other team of cheating whenever possible to throw the refs off your scent.
Follow my advice and you’ll win. If you don’t, you were cheated. In that case, throw off your shirt in disgust and refuse to talk to the other team.
The majority of intramuralers will criticize my advice here as being too cavalier and morally distraught and as missing the point of intramural sports entirely. However, winning has no place for standards, fun or decency.
The only thing that will show up are wins and losses, and those W’s are all team “Booty Wurk” throwing down this season.
