Like many Americans, I was subjected to the experience of Sunday school every week as a child, as my parents dragged me to church. While this experience was unpleasant, I can see that there are many practical benefits to having a Sunday school for the religious organization of your choosing. Through my experiences under the Sunday school system I have devised a set of rules that make me a prime consultant for those looking to set up a Sunday school. This is an account of those rules, from least to most important.
Rule One: Make your program intensely boring and much too long. A Sunday school that is interesting or short is really not a Sunday school at all. I can recall many days of staring at the clock in Sunday school, waiting till the day was over and I could go home. This is critical for the process of Sunday school. Dull, long lectures on things that children are not interested in will slow down the child’s critical faculties, making him more susceptible to your religion’s preachments. The child will start to develop a subconscious relationship with the material. They will be discouraged from asking questions and encouraged to see the dogma as normal.
Rule Two: Make your Sunday school a daycare. While there are many functions of Sunday school that are practical from a dogmatic perspective, one of the most important functions of the Sunday school program is to provide a place for the adult members of the religious institution to keep their young. If the children were to attend the adult service they would likely be intimidated and their presence and distractive qualities would make the parents uncomfortable, risking the parents leaving their kids with a sitter or even possibly leaving the institution. This risk is just too great for the preservation of the institution, so you must make sure the Sunday school fulfills all of the functions of a daycare.
Rule Three: Adapt your program to attract teenagers by making it “hip.” It is an unfortunate truth that once children reach a certain age they are no longer interested in the normal Sunday school program. They are now teenagers, and it is time to create a “youth group.” This is Sunday school disguised as a cool place to hang out for the young adults. It essentially serves all of the same functions as the Sunday school with the exception of the daycare element. This is a critical bridging stage between children and fully loyal adult followers.
Rule Four: Under no circumstance can you provide answers or support the concept of nuance. In a red alert emergency scenario, one of the students in the Sunday school might become curious and ask a question. It is important to remain calm and divert their attention. If they are persistent in their questioning then do not try to answer the child’s question with logic or reason. Use phrases like “by the grace of God” and “God loves” to make the child feel like a part of God’s plan. Use black and white language to make sure the child understands right vs. wrong and how obvious it is. The child will understand that the question they just asked is nothing more than a minor distraction from the love of God and his mercy. Crisis avoided.
Rule Five: Indoctrinate, indoctrinate, indoctrinate. This rule is the most important rule of all. If there is any practical function of Sunday school it is to shovel as much of your religious doctrine down the child’s throat as possible. Unfortunately, one day each of the students in your Sunday school will encounter the outside world one way or another. When this happens they will be introduced to other people’s thoughts and pesky multiculturalism. Fear not, your children will be prepared. With enough reinforcement of the doctrine, your students will lose their ability to consider other possibilities; they will not be able to argue from anything other than authority and tradition. Indoctrination will ensure that these virtues (authority and tradition) will be the light guiding your children through the world of ideas, progress and scientific reason.
The truth is there is no way to make a perfect Sunday school system. Some of the kids will come up with their own ideas and change. This is inevitable. With these rules, however, you can minimize that risk. I hope you’ve found them helpful.
