Disclaimer: The Daily Tar Hell is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.

The Student Government unanimously voted to appoint a committee to support fellow UNC-Chapel Hill students in response to tragedy, such as what was seen with the recent devastating loss in basketball against Duke University last week. Established as the Create Relief In Extreme Distress (CRIED), the new committee will be in operation as of next week. The committee fundamentally stands to represent the campus’ wide expression of emotions.

The potential establishment of this committee was brought to the student government’s attention by UNC Residential Director Henry Ray. “I felt so helpless watching students in my hall slumped over with disappointment,” Ray said. “And when I thought about it, our school has the ability to bring those together and comfort the community as a whole.”

Originally, Henry’s idea was targeted toward the past Duke game, although the brilliant student government was able to make this a sustainable effort for future situations.

In accordance with preserving spirit at all times, board members have established the prevention plan of “Bring Aid Before In Extreme Distress,” which will take several measures to prepare students for dire situations before they happen. This involves recruiting volunteers to provide relief blankets, tissues and hot cocoa to students impacted by future losses in sporting events. 

An initial concern with the plan was finding vendors to distribute enough Tar Heel Blue blankets to students. Taking advantage of the university’s huge medical student population, the student government noted the abundant supply of baby blankets in the maternity ward. The UNC medical center was inspired to help and has promised to loan 3,200 blankets for relief. In addition, the student government has gained support for a group-wide session with counseling services and the willing arrangement of a series of inspirational lectures.

To prepare for UNC CRIED’s first debut, a think-group of 25 students in various majors gathered to review reactions to possible scenarios of future defeats. Eighty-four percent of students were comforted by the proposed initiatives of the BABIED plan as opposed to only 18 percent of students declaring a state of emotional stability without any relief efforts. Satisfied with their efforts, the UNC CRIED committee is ready to support the community.

Many colleges have been rather disrespectful to UNC’s new initiates. NC State University has been responsible for targeting UNC’s spirit with their rude tweets. Brandon Morris, a sophomore studying computer science, expressed his anger in stating, “NCSU is jealous of our school pride. If they could create a committee, it would be called the ‘Victory Achievements Involving NCSU’ since they’re so vain and too prideful to accept losing to us.” 

In looking toward this week’s basketball game, some students responded to the NC State outrage out of pity for them. Chairman of the UNC CRIED Committee, Mike Thompson, beautifully sums up the integrity of UNC with his statement, “I can only imagine that we are going to crush NC State with the game this Wednesday. They would be stupid to not create a relief committee for when they lose.”