Quail Ridge Books of Raleigh enlisted me to help with a set of open discussions about neo-diversity issues in the Raleigh community. We have had two of these “What’s Going On” open forums in the bookstore. Forum 3 was to be “Islamophobia in the Raleigh Community” but that had to be canceled because of Winter Storm Jonas.
Since I had announced Forum 3 on my Facebook page, I felt obligated to announce the cancelation. I did so with this post:
“CANCELLED! Islamophobia discussion at Quail Ridge Books this Sunday, January 24, 2016 is CANCELLED. Too much ice, travel too treacherous. I will let everyone know when it is rescheduled. By the way, I wish we could just CANCEL Islamophobia. But it’s not that easy, so always stand up for each other’s humanity … that is the interpersonal answer.”
Just after I posted that announcement, I found on my university account this email from a student asking for help. My student wrote:
“Dr. Nacoste, I am in your PSY 411, Interdependence and Race class. I am emailing you in hopes that you will be able to help me better respond to, and understand, a situation I found myself in this past weekend. I know that I will learn more throughout our course and if I have to wait until then it’s fine! I just wanted you to know that my experience so far in your courses has changed my mindset and I didn’t notice until the situation below presented itself.”
Then she described the interpersonal situation she experienced:
“This past weekend I found myself spending quality time with my roommates, watching movies, when we came across the very popular film ‘American Sniper.’ Now, my roommates are very right winged political advocates and thus voice their love for films such as these. I, a little more moderate, enjoy all types of films and also take pride in my country as Americans should. Thus, I thought the film would be enjoyable.
However, as the movie went on I found myself becoming quite uncomfortable and slightly angry when bigoted comments regarding the entire Islamic community were voiced by my friends. Comments such as “they should all die,” “they are taught to hate us, and we’re taught to tolerate them” and “they want to allow THEM into our country, they just need to LEAVE.”
Being exposed to the diversity on campus, and even attending several events that allow me to interact with those who are different from me, has shown me that this type of attitude is unacceptable. I tried to intervene and focus on the fact that the actors in the movie were portraying terrorists, not the Muslim population. They didn’t care. I knew I had to walk away as the anger was consuming me. I love my roommates and I know that they are all amazing people. But how can I better help them get rid of these crazy ideas and comments?”
In a way I was surprised to get an email like this so early in the semester. Usually it takes a bit longer for the lessons of the course to start hitting my students, but I have already noticed that this class of 46 neo-diverse (a mix of biracial, female, male, Arab, white, Latino/Hispanic, black, bisexual) students is more ready to learn than is usually the case. Early or not, whenever I get an email from any of my students about this kind of situation, I respond quickly.
To this student I wrote:
“Believe it or not, you handled that very well. Yes, as the semester goes along I will teach you and the class strategies for handling interpersonal moments like the one you described. Understand that this is the fundamental interpersonal-intergroup problem our whole country is struggling to weather, and not just ice storms aimed at our American Muslim brothers and sisters. Pick a group, say women, and somebody will let their group-prejudice blow cold into language-behavior and worse forms of bigotry (behavioral expression of anti-group prejudice).
Again, you handled your situation in one of the ways I will teach. Sometimes you just have to walk the hell away. No one has to tolerate intolerance.
The strategy I will teach the class avoids telling people they are wrong. That never works. The strategy I will teach you and your class is to indicate to the persons you are interacting with how much it hurts you to hear that kind of stereotype, that kind of bigotry expressed toward a whole group of people. Just say something like, ‘I’m sorry, but I find that kind of language/stereotype offensive. It hurts me.’
That’s it. If the people you are interacting with care about you and your feelings, that kind of statement should matter.
By the way, part of what I teach is that you cannot change people in the moment. Speak for yourself, speak your feelings, and that’s all you can do in the moment. If the person or persons tell you that you are wrong to feel that way, or clearly doesn’t care about what you feel, don’t argue, just walk the hell away. I am very proud of the way you handled yourself. And I am so happy you are in my class.”
When I posted the cancelation of the Islamophobia discussion that was to happen at Quail Ridge Books, I ended my post by saying: “By the way, I wish we could just CANCEL Islamophobia. But it’s not that easy, so always stand up for each other’s humanity… that is the interpersonal answer.”
Pained by the necessity of thinking about “Our Three Winners,” Deah, Yusor and Razan, I say again with firm commitment: We must cancel this winter storm of Islamophobia moving across America. And now you have a strategy that will help. In your everyday social interactions, stand up for the humanity of all people. As Martin Luther King Jr. said, “The greatest tragedy of this age will not be the vitriolic words and deeds of the children of darkness, but the appalling silence of the children of light.”
Rupert Nacoste is an Alumni Distinguished Undergraduate Professor of Psychology
