Disclaimer: The Daily Tar Hell is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
That time of year has come: Our beloved North Carolina Tar Heels face our almost-rival school of NC State in basketball. In other words, just your typical Wednesday here in Eden Chapel Hill.
The Heels are coming off a masterful performance against the second-most pretentious school in the southeast, the University of Miami. This following our bullshit loss to our hated, despised, mediocre, good-for-nothing, arch-rivals, the Dook Blue Devils. (See how I spelled Duke there? By misspelling their name I’m making fun of their school.)
Carolina had three timeouts to burn on its last possession, but like any good Tar Heel team, we relied on true talent and grit to win that game. Calling a timeout would have shown a sign of weakness, and everybody knows we Tar Heels are not weak.
Regardless, Wednesday should be smooth sailing for head coach Roy Williams and the Tar Heels. I mean come on, it’s State. The only thing NC State fans are good for is remembering academic scandals and the 1983 NCAA Championship game (that was a shot Derrick Whittenburg, not a pass, you and I both know it). Lest we forget, State went through an academic scandal of their own that resulted in the firing of Jim “Can we stop quoting his ESPYs speech already?” Valvano. Fortunately, the Wolfpack nation’s selective memory protects its conscience and gives it the false sense that it never had an academic scandal of its own.
The real tragedy is, how does State have one ESPN 30 for 30 film and Carolina has none? Did you know Michael Jordan went to Carolina? He’s the greatest. Where’s his movie? Oh wait, he’s got “Space Jam,” and that’s the best work of historical nonfiction mankind, excuse me, HUMYNkind has ever produced.
But I digress. Carolina’s frontcourt should have no problem against the Wolfpack’s. State fans hate one of their players anyways. Whenever Abdul-Malik Abu does anything good in a game, chants of “BOOOO!” fill the air. We’d never boo one of our players. We only recruit good players. Did I mention Michael Jordan went to Carolina? And he’s the best basketball player ever.
Carolina leads the all-time series against State, 152-77. But every State fan knows their 77 wins are complete bullshit. Besides, we’re 2,140-767 all-time as a basketball team, and if you were to ignore those 767 losses, we’re technically undefeated.
Senior and all-around great guy Marcus Paige hasn’t played his best as of late, but that won’t stop him from trying his best. Marcus is a great guy, isn’t he? I bet he’s friends with Michael Jordan. He’s the greatest.
Come gameday, the sky will be Carolina blue, like it always is, because everybody knows God is a Carolina fan. He created Michael Jordan with the knowledge that he’d go on to play for the Heels. And Michael Jordan’s the best ever. He might be even better than Kanye.
When it’s all said and done, the Tar Heels will leave Raleigh victorious and return to Chapel Hill, and they’ll be celebrated like viking warriors arriving at Valhalla. Besides, even if we do lose (and we won’t), look at the bright side: at least we don’t go to State.
