Mister McSteally, a sophomore studying criminology, taps into Technician's stash of extremely valuable reading material. McSteally said while running away from the scene, "Swiggity swooty, I am coming after the Technician's booty."" />
Lieutenant Recognizable
Mister McSteally, a sophomore studying criminology, taps into Technician's stash of extremely valuable reading material. McSteally said while running away from the scene, "Swiggity swooty, I am coming after the Technician's booty."
The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously
On Oct. 28, Technician reported that large stacks of newspapers had been stolen from stands during the week, prompting an investigation into their disappearance. While the investigation remains ongoing, Technician has decided to employ a small armed militia at each stand, to ensure that the incidents do not continue in the near future.
The decision isn’t one that was hastily put forward, but rather one that required extreme thought and reading of the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution like three times.
While NC State’s campus doesn’t currently allow open carry of firearms, the sensitive and important nature of the events has led to a temporary change of policy. As such, the university will allow for the militia to bear their AR-15s with attached 37mm grenade launchers, so long as they register as a student organization for a permit to open fire inside of Talley Student Union.
Despite the newspaper’s overwhelming liberal/Marxist/communist/fascist bias, many conservative student groups have volunteered to help, claiming that they simply want to have their guns on campus.
“I think it’s stupid that I can’t have it anyways,” said Jacob Jacobson, a junior studying business administration. “Now the liberals want us to use our guns to defend them and it’s just funny to me.”
“Papergate” has caused stirs all the way up to the state legislature, with Gov. Pat McCrory declaring a state of emergency over the stolen papers, but choosing not to send in the National Guard.
“Let’s be clear, my thoughts are prayers and with the students at NC State tonight,” said McCrory in a press conference Monday. “I just don’t feel as if deploying the National Guard for de-escalation is the right thing to do at this point.”
While the employment of armed militias wasn’t the first choice for ensuring that the treasured jewels remain safe, other options were promptly shut down, including the idea of moving all of the newspaper stands inside of the Sigma Omega Beta house, ensuring that the stands would constantly be monitored on camera.
Representatives from the fraternity did not comment on this proposal by press time.
Nonetheless, a stir has been caused on campus as a result of militias. The NC State rifle team has reportedly seen attendance at matches increased tremendously, going from an average of one spectator (Tom who has nothing better to do) to approximately nine in just the past week. This spike, according to Pack Poll, has been attributed to students’ constant exposure to shiny, black rifles on every corner on campus.
Not everyone has expressed positive sentiments toward the militias, however, including representatives from Students for Hillary on campus.
“Honestly we need common sense and this isn’t common sense,” said an unnamed member of Students for Hillary, who remains anonymous due to perceived threats by the militia. “It’s just another way I think for white people to show off their gun fetish and rationalize their deep Freudian insecurities.”
While there may not be a clear answer for keeping the papers safe, Technician feels as if it is the best interest of the paper and the students to use militia forces, since it gives a constant visible reminder of the tremendous right to bear arms that is granted by the Constitution, alongside providing for the common defense of the publication itself.