The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
The Cypher has become a popular tradition for NC State students who don’t have Tuesday morning classes. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton made a show this past Monday to have an unofficial debate in rap battle format to squeeze a few more votes out of swing state millennials. Both nominees promised not to interrupt each other and each had three rounds to verbally assault their opponent.
A coin was tossed to see who’d go first. Trump snatched it out the air and said, “Ladies first, because no one respects women more than me.”
Hillary graced the mic, diplomatic and coldly calculated as usual:
“Wow Donny you can’t start off the battle lyin’
You’ve been denounced by Republicans as rich and white as Paul Ryan
Just give it up poor Donald your campaign has no hope
You were behind in the polls before we found out you like to grope
You think you’re beating me you must be smoking the best Cali Kush
You’re about to get dropped quicker than NBC did Billy Bush
And you had the nerve to charge people tuition for your fraud school that’s extortion
At last debate we found out that you know nothing about politics and less about abortion.”
The crowd went wild, with seven white girls yelling out an extended “Slay girl!” But Hillary wasn’t done with her first round yet so she waited for them to calm down.
“Yea I may be a career politician but at least I have a career;
Don’s a trust fund baby turned reality show star whose entire platform is fear.
After today everyone will know that rapping ain’t ya gig
Just promise after you take this L you won’t say the cypher’s rigged.”
The crowd went ballistic and the pressure was all on Donald. Surprisingly enough he came out with some haymakers.
“I called you a nasty woman at the last debate and it’s not because I hate you
I just wanted you to be nasty enough to keep Bill faithful.
When I mention policy I really don’t need to include details
If only I could delete my words the way you do with your emails.
Oh wow what a good one I’ve never had someone call me xenophobic
When I win I’m gonna build that wall like I’m beanophobic.
You’re constantly under investigation so how are you winnin’?
If the justice system actually worked you’d be in prison.
I’m tired of you bleeding heart liberals comparing me to a Nazi
Imma murder you in this battle like you did soldiers in Benghazi”
The crowd erupted in cheers and drunk Sigma Omega Beta brothers chanted, “Build. The. Wall.” Trump took a long moment to take in all the praise before continuing.
“Yea you’re rich but I’m richer just check my net worth.
You’re only in the lead because of that propaganda spreading Clinton News Network.
My voter base sees me as a god so you and the media gotta stay slanderin’;
Real patriots are getting tired of you committing treason and panderin’.
I’m surprised you had the lungs to get through one round without a choke.
I hope blacks know you’re gonna disappear for four years after you get that vote.
Yea I’m still a patriot even though my wife and most of my products are foreign,
But your attacks against me have been about as successful as Coach Doeren.”
The crowd was stunned and amazed; nobody expected for either of these candidates to have bars. Anderson Cooper wasn’t there with his sexy hair to tell everyone who won, but the entire battle is transcribed. So you all are the jury of who won the unofficial fourth debate. Only one third party candidate showed up. Sadly, Gary Johnson couldn’t remember any of his rhymes or basic geography. Jill Stein avoided campus because she feared being on a campus with nuclear power and cancerous broadband Wi-Fi.
