Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
I recently read an op-ed piece by Mark Cares. The basic premise was that in order to stop the Islamic State, we must start fracking. The Islamic State makes their money from oil sales, and if the United States were to increase our amount of fracking, it would cripple the terrorists’ source of income. Despite the fact that the Islamic State sells on the black market, proper fracking is one of the most expensive ways to get oil and cutting corners often leads to water and air poisoning near fracking sites; this column still makes miraculous sense.
I’ll use the same logic to explain why if we start banning country music we can stop obesity. Obesity is a plague in this country. No new strain of flu, random act of violence or car-related incidents have claimed the amount of lives that obesity has. This plague can be stopped with the eradication of country music.
Country music has its origins in the Bible Belt which also has the highest rates of obesity. Coincidence … I think not. But when we compare the lyrics of country music to that of other genres, it becomes clear what we must do.
The proof is in the pudding whether you listen to Tim McGraw, 2 Chainz or anything in between. In the new song “100it Racks” Mr. Chainz described his flawless dietary habits when he said, “Put codeine on a salad. Guess I’m on a codeine diet.” He is stating how serious he takes his health and such gravity must be praised.
On the flip side, Alan Jackson has gone out of his way to inform us of his pathetic eating. In the song “Where I Come From” he sings, “It’s cornbread and chicken. Where I come from a lot of front porch sitting.” So on top of advocating pathetic eating, he also encourages a sedentary lifestyle — just deplorable.
In R&B and pop music, we have people advocating for health as well. Taylor Swift has shown us all how to “shake it off,” including those extra pounds we’re headed for this winter. R&B artists consistently talk about how they’re so love sick that they can’t eat. So what’s making people fat except country music?
Tim McGraw made a song called “Truck Yeah.” The song was not so problematic until I made my Cares-style connections. If we stop using vehicles as large as trucks, there wouldn’t be much room for groceries. Less room for groceries means that naturally people would eliminate non-essential parts of their diets like cakes, cookies and pies. When Frank Ocean made a song with vehicles in the title, it was called “White Ferrari,” because he only shops for what he needs.
So I agree that if we started fracking, we could stop the Islamic State. But why stop there? I just proved how stopping country music would stop obesity. These aren’t reaches, but logical conclusions that stem from the combination of ideas. Come back next week and we’ll explain how we could stop rape culture by getting rid of the state fair.
Editor’s Note: Umm, hey guys, I don’t know if you noticed, but this is an Opinion column. If the comment section could learn the darn difference between fact and opinion, that’d be great. K thanks.
