Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
Thursday’s football game against William and Mary took a tragic turn; not when Jacobi Brisket threw four interceptions in a row, but when security was forced to shoot and kill Tuffy the beloved wolf mascot.
Chad Chetson II, a sophomore studying business administration and vice treasurer of Sigma Omega Beta*, was stumbling around the Student Wolfpack Club section in a drunken/coked up stupor. All of a sudden, Chetson lost his footing and tripped over the side of the stands into the live mascot area. Chetson was only able to lie in his inebriated state on the AstroTurf as Tuffy circled him.
The ongoing play suddenly stopped and the crowd fell silent. Security cautiously attempted to approach Chetson, but Tuffy began to frantically bork. After a couple minutes of standoff, Tuffy grabbed the collar of Chetson’s salmon-colored Vineyard Vines shirt and began to drag the student around the field.
The horrified crowd screamed as Chief of Security George Shrub ordered into his walkie-talkie, “Do it.” Cocking his weapon, the sniper on the roof of the press box shed a single tear and said, “I’m so sorry, friend.” His shot landed perfectly in Tuffy’s head, leaving Chetson uninjured.
Doeren fainted and panic ran rampant through the crowd. Given the circumstances, referees decided to postpone the rest of the game, but they could not delay the controversy.
Several eyewitnesses rushed to defend Tuffy’s behavior and chastise Chetson for his stupidity.
“Tuffy did nothing wrong,” said Jack Cincinnatus, a senior studying animal science. “A wolf is a social animal; Tuffy was just defending a member of his pack. His soft, innocent yelps were simply a call for help. With those threatening security guys encroaching on his space, Tuffy saw no other alternative than running off with Chad to protect him. NC State senselessly murdered Tuffy. Literally, what a tragedy.”
However, others justified Shrub’s decision to kill Tuffy.
“We had no other choice, student safety is our biggest priority,” said Federico DeMerasto, spokesperson for Athletics. “There is no doubt in anybody’s mind that Chetson’s behavior was irresponsible, but accidents like this happen. We had to be decisive to ensure that Chetson wouldn’t be harmed, mostly because his dad is in the General Assembly on the Education committee. And he plans on donating $125,000.”
Nevertheless, students were outraged and immediately became vocal. Taking to social media, the Facebook page Wolfpack Students quickly became a hub of commentary, protest and meme-sharing. A picture of a wolf constellation captioned with, “He’s in heaven now” quickly went viral, gathering over 5,000 likes in under an hour.
The rage didn’t cease on social media. Students were able to quickly organize a protest in the Brickyard, delivering many heartfelt eulogies for the downed wolf and celebrating his legacy. Hundreds of students came together to demand “a public apology from Woodson for the barbaric assassination of our precious mascot.”
Protesters ripped bricks out of the walkways and carried them high above their heads while chanting “Bricks out for Tuffy! Bricks out for Tuffy!” More students packed into the Brickyard and after about an hour, the crowd grew to just over a thousand. The ringleaders rallied the protestors together to begin a march toward the chancellor’s mansion. In perfect unison, the mob chanted, “George Shrub did Tuffy! George Shrub did Tuffy!” Upon reaching the mansion, the human wave swarmed the mansion and began to occupy.
Technician will continue to cover this story as details emerge or until we get bored.
*Editor’s Note: This article originally used the name of a real fraternity at NC State. Technician editors decided that the satirical aims were better met using a fictional organization to avoid confusion with the real fraternity.
