Phillip Oliver Holes
Be like this naive freshman and come prepared to college! Remember to pack all of the bare necessities including 12 NC State shirts purchased at the Book Store.
Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
Deciding what to bring to college can be difficult. Suggested lists are full of school supplies, domestic goods and a wide variety of miscellanea. However, all of these official lists are nothing but thinly veiled attempts to perpetuate consumerist racket known as “the college experience” and drive up business for Bed Bath and Beyond. What follows is a list of the most vital college equipment from students for students.
Two dozen condoms: You won’t actually be using any of these since you’ll be far too busy studying and doing pointless extracurricular activities, they make for nice balloon animals though.
Banana suit: Why have an actual personality when you can just be ironic?
A mason jar and a pill bottle: Layering ensures a tight seal.
Raid or some other insecticide: Dorms are infested with unwelcome critters, besides that guy down the hall who can’t play acoustic guitar to save his life.
Tissues and hand lotion: For illness and moisturizing, of course.
Corkscrew with attached bottle opener: Multi-tool capable of small fix-it jobs.
Saline eyedrops: For all the crying you’ll be doing.
Vinyls with Indie Music: Strangers will be impressed with your eclectic taste. Don’t actually listen to them though, they’re quite terrible.
Ernesto “Che” Guevara Poster: Vital decoration for every pretentious liberal.
Two-ply toilet tissue: Despite you paying at least $20,000 per year for schooling, all of the bathrooms are stocked with one-ply.
Cigarettes and lighter: Makes for a good opener at parties, plus, you’ll quit after graduation just like everyone else.
A framed picture of your high school sweetheart: Although you were forced to break up at the end of summer since you were going to different universities, it’s perfectly healthy to idealize past relationships.
Portable fan: When your air conditioning unit inevitably fails
Tupperware: Remember that dining halls are all you can eat/successfully smuggle out.
Some trippy poster: When you experiment with acid or shrooms, you might as well have a kitschy Escher print or mandala to look at for six hours.
Copy of the Common Reading: For when your two-ply runs out and you have an emergency.
Copies of Crime and Punishment, In Search of Lost Time and Ulysses: This way you can put on the facade of being well-read and other people will think you are smart.