Disclaimer: Technishit is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
There was a rather surprising turn of events in our great city Sunday night. Following a watershed 3-2 victory for the Carolina Hurricanes over the Florida Panthers, Panthers management decided something had to be done. They simply could not accept this result. So, the team’s general manager decided that his current head coach was #NotMyCoach anymore, and fired him.
While few in the Panthers organization were willing to come forward, one brave soul decided he had to break the silence. Florida’s fearless mascot, bearing one of the most creative names in the NHL, one Stanley C. Panther granted Technishit an interview on this bizarre turn of events.
Technishit: Well, Stanley, I must say, when this news broke in the press room Sunday night, most of us were stunned. You guys won 47 games last year, the most in your franchise history, and really looked to be on your way up. I know it hasn’t been a picture-perfect start for you this year, but 11-10-1 isn’t that bad. What brought this about?
Stanley: The thing you guys have to understand here is our organization holds itself to a high standard. As you mentioned, that 47-win season was a franchise record, and while many franchises, including yours, have a 50-win season to their name, we think that’s pretty good. Last time we won a playoff series, Al Gore hadn’t invented the internet yet, and we’ve got a grand total three playoff appearances since the world miraculously didn’t end at the turn of the year 2000, but if you disregard all the seasons where we didn’t make it, we’ve got a long history of success. So clearly, failure is something we don’t take lightly here.
Technishit: OK, that makes sense then. But why fire him now, on the road? Why not wait until you get home?
Stanley: We don’t have many rules in Florida, but we do have one. Losing to the Carolina Hurricanes is not allowed. I mean, we heard from all these writers this offseason that this team is supposed to be terrible, right? They’re supposed to be one of the worst teams in the league. Who are we to disagree with that? I mean, just like most of the Canes’ critics league-wide, we don’t know anything about them, but we trust the prognostications; they’ve never let us down before. Who’s even on that team anymore? Eric Staal? Anton Babchuk? Taro Tsujimoto?
Technishit: Staal was traded last year, Babchuk’s been gone awhile, and I have absolutely no clue who that third player is.
Stanley: Exactly, how do we lose to them? Nevermind the fact that we’ve beaten them a grand total of 10 times since they’ve been in Raleigh, and what’s with this Raleigh business, anyway? Bring back Hartford. We’d much prefer a team playing in a shopping mall that never even sniffed a championship. I mean, I hear there’s more people at a Duke football game these days. I’m not sure what Duke football is, but you get what I mean. These guys only came to their home opener because they had some NASCAR driver there. Their mascot is a pig for God’s sake, what does a pig have to do with hockey, or a Hurricane?
Technishit: OK now, Stanley, don’t you think you’re being a bit harsh? You guys haven’t exactly set the gold standard for attendance yourselves.
Stanley: Yes, but if you take away all the empty seats, we sell out every night. You can’t say the same for Carolina. Besides, haven’t you heard, some Montreal radio show host’s brother’s friend’s teacher’s cousins’ cable guy saw the Canes’ owner at a Tim Hortons in Quebec City last week. How do we lose to a team that clearly has its mind on packing its bags?
Technishit: Speaking of packing bags, there were rumors your coach was seen waiting for a cab after the game?
Stanley: They’re true. We were just so fed up with it, he broke the cardinal rule. We felt completely justified in taking his job, then telling him to get his s#@% and find his own way home.
Technishit: Whoa, Stanley, this is a family friendly paper! Anyway thanks for that insight. One last thing, what do you think this change will do for the Panthers?
Stanley: It’s going to be great. It’s going to be so great. We’re going to win so much. Panthers fans are going to get tired of winning, they’re going to say, “Please, Mr. Panther, we are getting headaches. Please don’t win so much.” And I’m going to say “No, we have to make the Florida Panthers great again.” They’re going to say “Please.” I’m going to say “Nope, nope. We’re gonna keep winning.”
Well, there you have it, the face of the Florida Panthers has spoken. We here at Technishit hope you all enjoyed this unique perspective.
