Disclaimer: The Technishit is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.

Prep time: An all-nighter

Cook time: That absurd 3-hour exam period

Total time: More than you want to spend

Ingredients:

• 1 thermostat
• 1 set of uncomfortable clothing (preferably wrinkled and unwashed)
• 15-20 shots of espresso (or other caffeine-intensive beverage)
• 8 pounds of chocolate
• 1 fresh, unopened textbook
• 6 boxes of tissues

 Instructions:

1. Lower the thermostat to about 60 degrees Fahrenheit (for every 1,000 feet above sea level, take the integral of the rational root Pythagorean radian, divide by 17.5 and add 42, which is the answer to the universe. Then, take the cube root and add that to the temperature). This is so that it will be chilly enough to keep you alert; but be careful, lower the temperature too far and you might contract hypothermia.
2. Don the uncomfortable clothing — another measure to ensure that you stay alert. Avoid sweatpants or leggings at all costs — particularly sweaters, or you won’t be able to keep your eyes open.
3. Gather your chocolate and espresso in a pile within easy reach so that you don’t have to move to get a caffeine boost or some chocolate-y relief.
4.  Next, grab your textbook. If you haven’t opened it before all semester, don’t worry! Nobody else has either. Make yourself a list of all the chapters you need to study, then lean in and allow your eyes to glaze over with misery. This will happen anyway, so you might as well save your energy and accept it!
5. Follow this pattern until the night is over or you are done studying: read and take notes for 30 minutes, sob for five minutes, nap feverishly for 5 minutes, repeat.

Try to finish studying immediately before you need to leave to take your exam. If you allow yourself to rest, you’ll lose the edge that desperation and exhaustion gives you! Also, don’t waste precious time on personal hygiene. Proceed directly to the testing hall, take your test and crawl home to sleep.

So there you have it, all the tools and techniques you need to ace every final, or at least make yourself severely ill in the process! No pain no gain.