Disclaimer: Technishit is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.

Dear respected publication that knows nothing about sports but everything about communism, 

I’m sorry that you hate me. I read an article last week from one of your writers calling for me to be fired and honestly, it inspired me to actually coach the team on Friday. Your lack of knowledge and liberal bias really didn’t work this time and we were able to put a whoopin’ on the Heels.

We won the game against the best team in the nation. We won the Super Bowl of life. The Chicago Cubs have nothing on us, because we were able to pull that one out. Our boys were able to beat down Carolina on their home turf, and the best part about it is that they did it twice.

Usually at this point, I would start to shift the blame for a loss onto somebody other than myself, but since we won, I’m gonna say that it was all me this time. We didn’t even need a kicker this time, because I… I mean… the boys…. put up more touchdowns than they did. That’s dedication and it shows that blue collar work ethic that we’re known for. We showed resilience, just like the time where we hung in there late against ACC-powerhouse Boston College, even if the end result wasn’t what we wanted. We learned from that experience and we were finally able to compete with the best and pull one out against Satan’s favorite team.

So, congratulations. You wanted me gone and now I’m here to stay. It’s time for NC State to finally Think and Dontwin, because this is my show now.

Write better things about me next time,

Dave Dontwin 

Dave Dontwin is allegedly a football coach with the North Carolina State University Wolfpack.