Disclaimer: Technishit is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
The ACC announced Wednesday that Alabama will move from the SEC to the ACC in 2017, in order to line up the values of the school and the conference and #MakeTheACCGreatAgain.
In a corresponding move that balances out the conference, Notre Dame has been added from the Independent conference, because about damn time. In football, Alabama and Notre Dame will be added to the Atlantic Division and Syracuse will be moved to the Coastal Division to balance out the strength of schedules.
“We felt these moves were necessary in not only balancing out the divisions, but adding football heritage to the ACC,” said Christoph Christopherson, the commissioner of the ACC. “When you have teams that consistently struggle in football such as Clemson, Florida State and the recently added Louisville, it’s important to straighten out the balance of power in the divisions.”
While the move might be a questionable one considering Alabama is one of the figureheads of the SEC, it will surely add excitement to ACC football, especially now that it is in the same division as long-time football powerhouses in Wake Forest and NC State. This opens the possibility of the Atlantic Division to compete with the uber-heralded Coastal Division, that brings back consistent top-tier talent in Virginia and Duke.
“We were looking for ways that the Atlantic would be able to compete with the Coastal in terms over not only winning the conference, but getting in the College Football Playoff,” said Elizabeth Elizabethson, the assistant to the deputy director of football operations for the ACC. “The only way we could do this was by adding Notre Dame and Alabama to the Atlantic Division. When you have teams like Virginia and Duke in the other divisions, whose football programs are arguably better than their basketball programs, you gotta do what you gotta do to compete.”
Meanwhile, many fans of Alabama and the SEC are displeased, as they have the task of replacing one of the historically best football programs with a team that fits the SEC profile. So far, leading candidates are Florida Gulf Coast, Arkansas-Pine Bluff and Georgia Southern. However, none of these programs quite have the prestige that Alabama boasts.
“Quite frankly, I’m pretty friggin pissed off that our knight in shining armor is no longer in the greatest conference in ‘Murica,” said Thomas Thomasson, a senior studying agriculture at Alabama. “It is a complete disgrace. How dare the ACC think that they’re good enough for the Crimson Tide. ROLL TIDE.”
However, officials at Alabama claim that the move was a long time coming.
“We were tired of being in the SEC anyway,” said Henry Henrickson, the assistant to the athletic director’s assistant’s assistant of football management strategies at Alabama. “The move to the ACC finally offers some high-level competition for our dominant football program that the SEC simply couldn’t match. We’re excited to #MakeTheACCGreatAgain.”
As for Notre Dame, this was a fairly straightforward decision for the school.
“Yeah, you know, we were already in the ACC in just about every other sport anyway, so we just thought, ‘what the hell, let’s make it official’,” said Charles Charleston, deputy director of talent seeking and player development at Notre Dame.
When it is all said and done, the addition of these two schools to the ACC should #MakeTheACCGreatAgain and it will no longer be looked at as the worst Power 5 conference in football. The (Crimson) tide is changing, and we will finally see some exciting college football in the 2017 season.
