Disclaimer: The Technishit is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.

2014 alumnus Tony Toledo is still patiently waiting for his chicken panini from Jason’s Deli. For the past two years, Toledo has become a permanent fixture in Talley Student Union. Students have reached consensus that he’s in denial and has an unhealthy obsession with receipts.

“Of course I’ll wait,” Toledo said. “People just don’t understand the process. A good panini takes time.”

Toledo claims that people who abandon their receipts are reckless.

“People complain about not being able to return something they bought, and I just can’t empathize with them,” Toledo said. “The value of the dollar has been deteriorating for years. I’m telling you: receipts are the future.”

Leonardo DuhCrapio, manager of Jason’s Deli, has talked with Toledo several times —assuring him that he can order another sandwich.

“He won’t listen,” DuhCrapio said. “He insists that he doesn’t mind waiting.”

According to Toledo, the key to waiting is staring at the employees straight in the eyes.

“It’s creepy, honestly,” said Patsy Ciabatta, a Jason’s Deli employee. “He just roams around Talley and never breaks eye contact. I have nightmares about it.”

Toledo believes delis have hidden agendas, noting the suspicious glass barrier separating him from the deli meats.

“I don’t want them fooling around with my sandwich.” Toledo said. “Delis don’t want you to know what goes on behind the scenes.”

Following a lifelong ban from Groucho’s Deli, Toledo developed a love for Jason’s Deli.

“They tried to kill me,” Toledo said. “I told them I was allergic to goat cheese and they smothered the sandwich in it. Unbelievable.”

Toledo remains bitter about the incident.

“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Walt DisKnee said, manager of Groucho’s Deli. “We don’t serve any goat products here.”

Toledo also said he knows for a fact that Groucho doesn’t work there any more, as he “quit years ago” to make moonshine in the mountains.

“Trust me: I know Groucho, and that’s not his deli,” Toledo said. “It’s a disgrace what they’ve done to his eatery, living off of his fortune. They ruined it.”

While students find Toledo to be a nuisance, he poses no real threat to the university.

“I saw him wandering around campus eating cigarette butts,” said Rodney Safetyfield, a senior studying hospitality. “I asked him if he was hungry, but then he yelled, ‘get off of my property.’ I don’t know what his deal is.”

Ben Bigg, a junior studying architecture, scoffed at the mention of the Talley local.

“He’s always wearing that stupid gown. And he uses it as a napkin — it’s repulsive,” Bigg said.  

Toledo was shocked that someone would question his genius.

“I thought of the idea when I was eating a McRib and the patty fell on my lap. I’ve been wearing my gown ever since. I like to think of it as a classy Snuggie,” Toledo said.

Recently, he supported Jason’s Deli for Small Business Saturday. He was spotted in a camping chair, slurping a soda helmet filled with Diet Dr. Pibb.

When it’s time to pay for the panini, Toledo said he has an impressive amount of dining dollars left over, but declined to disclose the amount.

“I don’t want people talking about it,” Toledo said. “I want to live a quiet, private life, without people knocking on my door for favors. People would like me just for my money.”

Yet, his residence is nearby — he lives in a tent behind Talley.

“You won’t believe what people throw away in these dumpsters,” Toledo said. “I rarely pay for a meal.”

His tent is littered with receipts, Cheetos crumbs and pepper spray.

“You never know when the bears might come. This campus is infested with them. I’ll be candid with you — it’s not easy living in the wilderness. Sometimes, I miss civilization. But it’s humbling, honestly,” Toledo said.

In his free time, Toledo irons his receipts and grooms Talley’s resident raccoon, Chester. Unfortunately, he said “the establishment” is forcing him to evacuate the premises.

“They’re just a bunch of idiots,” Toledo said. “I can stay here as long as I want. I helped pay for this damn place and I’m going to get my money’s worth.”