Disclaimer: Technishit is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
The NCAA has decided to abolish all forms of rankings for the 2017-18 athletic year. The decision comes in the wake of a turning point for the country.
The NCAA issued the following statement on its official webpage Tuesday.
“The 2017 academic year will mark the dawn of a new age for collegiate athletics. Beginning Aug. 1, 2017, all current rankings will be replaced by a new overarching, all-encompassing ranking system called the ‘P.C. Rankings.’ For these, all schools will hold the No. 1 ranking in each and every respective sport.”
NCAA commissioner Whee R. Winners said that the “P.C.” stands for politically correct. Winners expressed the basis for the committee’s decision in his weekly press conference Wednesday afternoon.
“Here at the NCAA, we believe in fair and equal rankings for ALL teams,” Winners said. “We knew something had to change, so we decided to implement the ‘P.C.’ rankings so that university students are safe to feel good about their team, regardless of talent and skill.”
Winners followed by saying he believes in keeping the rankings politically correct is a “step in the right direction.”
With all the tension on college campuses as of late, the NCAA is hoping that the new “P.C.” rankings will help alleviate some of the stress of college students.
“We know that college students have a lot to worry about while on campus,” Winners said. “Getting down in the dumps because your team is awful is not ideal, therefore, we have decided to take the initiative to remove something from their plates, to make life easier for them.”
Alabama head football coach Sick Naban was not thrilled with the news. Naban, who won the College Football Playoff in 2016, is regularly heralded as one of the best football coaches in the country.
“They’re just upset that I’ve been No. 1 for the past decade,” Naban said. “Political correctness is ruining this country.”
Backlash has spread outside of the football hemisphere, reverberating into basketball as well.
Con Jalipari, the head basketball coach at Kentucky University, voiced similar frustrations.
“I make $7 million a year … and now schools like Tulane are No. 1 too? I probably make 50 times what their head coach makes,” he said.
It is being reported that Jalipari has been in talks with rapper Drake to see about new ways to recruit student-athletes after the committee’s’ decision.
Winners stood strong behind the “P.C.” rankings after hearing the outrage from various coaches.
“Why should one team be ranked higher than another?” Winners said, “Every team deserves to be number one. It’s only fair.”
Johnny Oblivious, a sophomore studying sports management at NC State, stated he was fine with the new system.
“With the P.C. rankings, State is number one for the first time since like, the ‘80s, right?” Oblivious said.
Oblivious was apparently unaware of the NC State men’s swimming program and its recent No. 1 national ranking.
President-elect Tonald Drump, like many times before, took to Twitter to voice his opinion on the committee’s new ruling.
“Very disappointing decision made by NCAA committee. Sad! When I’m president, I’m going to make college sports great again!” Drump tweeted Wednesday at 3 a.m.
In addition to the new rankings, talks are being made to award participation trophies to every team at the end of the season. The hopes are for the trophies to give every student-athlete a “sense of accomplishment.”
The repercussions for this decision, such as if schools will actually play against one another and how the playoffs/end-of-season tournaments will be determined, have yet to be discussed.
