Disclaimer: Technishit is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.
To dry the tears of praiseworthy freshmen, the NC State Counseling Center announced Tuesday that it will be forming a support group for scholarship rejects. The move follows an independent study which showed that Park Scholarship non-recipients are more likely to post negative statements on Wolfpack Students.
“I think it’s great that NC State is starting this,” said Chase Goodwell, sophomore studying business administration and Parks Scholars applicant who convinced himself that he totally deserved to be selected. “The money and fame involved should have gone to me. I worked harder than anyone else that even considered applying.”
Many students echoed Goodwell’s sentiments, claiming that they felt oppressed simply for not receiving large sums of money from the university. In response, many students have organized protests, rallying around the #NotMyParkFinalist brand.
The university, while offering resources by way of the support group, has been critical of protests in recent days, with campus administration speaking out against the nature and content of the movement.
“You all just need to accept the results of the democratically chosen Park selection,” said Chancellor Randal Woody, when questioned about the results.
The support group will reportedly receive oversight from Ryan Held and Jim Valvano, as the administration believes that they are the two faces who will soothe upset thoughts to the greatest extent.
“Everybody loves Jimmy V,” Woody added. “Was it a shot? Was it a pass? It doesn’t really matter, because this support group will be better than the ‘83 championship team.”
Not all students share the belief that the support system is a good idea, with many students likening it to a safe space for those with hurt feelings.
“I just feel like these sorts of groups are really unnecessary,” said Thomas Liberty, a Park Scholar and self-proclaimed lover of all things First Amendment. “It’s a waste of money and the snowflakes that don’t receive big scholarships shouldn’t be coddled for their failures.”
Nonetheless, the creation of the support group has caused quite on the stir all across campus, with the university unlikely to return to any resemblance of its former self before the group was created. Reports indicate that donors have scaled back their needless waste of money in response to the controversies, and instead are focused on making sure the football team’s needs are adequately met.
