Disclaimer: Technishit is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.

After decades of trying to give students a decent place to hang out off campus, Hillsborough Street will finally give into the void and convert into a one-and-a- half mile long strip mall from Faircloth Street to the Belltower.

In the coming months, Hillsborough Street will become a human-centipede- esque amalgamation of every department and chain store in America. Here are some of the rumored changes:

Mitch’s Bar and Grill is becoming Olive Garden. Global Village is becom- ing Starbucks. The hollowed out shell of McDaid’s is becoming Trump Alcohol.

Chipotle is becoming a bigger Chipotle. Subway is becoming Quiznos. The other Subway is becoming a Chuck-e-Cheese. Aloft is becoming Trump Hotel. Gonza Tacos y Tequila is becoming Trump Taco Bowls. The Hookah Lounge is becoming Lucky Strike Cigarettes Couch. Every- thing else is becoming more Starbucks.

Thad Johnson, director of Live it Up! Hillsborough Street, admitted that the move was inevitable, and that the last several months have been like watching a ball roll down the alley when you know it will end up in the gutter.

“I am but an ant standing in awe before an encroaching wave,” Johnson said.