TECHNISHIT: EDITORIAL: Technishit endorses Pat

Dec 1, 2016

Pat McCrory finds himself confused at the wrong rally. “I first realized something was up when I saw co-ed bathroom signs,” said McCrory, “Then I saw Bill Clinton and I really really really knew something was wrong. Turns out Siri is a liberal and took me to the wrong daggum’ place.” Pat McCrory now has an Android.

Disclaimer: Technishit is purely satirical, don’t take it too seriously.

We were wrong.

A month ago, on Oct. 23, we endorsed Roy Cooper for governor of North Carolina. But that was before we saw the true tenacity of Pat McCrory.

Despite being down 9,000 votes, McCrory continues to fight to be our next governor. Wow. Now that’s some drive if we’ve ever seen it.

Further, McCrory has filed protests in more than 50 counties and has asked for a recount even despite the fact that North Carolina voters have clearly rejected him.

But don’t worry Pat, we haven’t rejected you. Even though you’ve plainly lost, your determination to fight shows you have what it takes to continue being our governor (who even remembers that HB2 stuff now, right?) and for that we commend you.

It takes dedication to fight hard for the state of North Carolina, and with these actions, you have proved to us that you are finally willing to fight for the interests of all North Carolinians.

Furthermore, as Americans, we are patrons of all things that are fair, as outlined in our Constitution. We have fair trials, fair WWE matches and even annual state fairs. That said, we value fair elections processes even more so than Jesus Christ himself, because Jesus loved democracy. So, your claims that Democrats had widespread voter fraud benefiting them despite any evidence to support that claim clearly isn’t you desperately and pathetically trying to steal the election, but instead shows you defending Jesus himself and a sacred American ideal.

Because of this newly discovered sense of ferocity and dedication to fair elections processes, Technician revokes our endorsement of Roy Cooper and instead fully places our support behind our future leader, Gov. Pat McCrory.

We still believe in your campaign slogan, the Carolina Comeback, and so should you. Continue to fight to comeback from an election that literally everyone else can see you’ve clearly lost; we’re here supporting you.

The unsigned editorial is the opinion of the one Technishit member who yelled the loudest.