After gorging myself on chocolate bunnies and slopping in the snow all spring break, I pretty much returned to school less attractive than when I left. Awesome. Well I hope all you tanorexic hung-over losers are jealous because I bought Chris Farely’s weight in knock-off purses in New York. Can I interest you in a Prado handbag, or perhaps an Endi wallet? How about a bootleg DVD of the Oscar-snubbed film “The Wedding Date?” Or per chance you like some diluted and discounted Burberry cologne? Apparently, in Chinatown, every “gift store,” “nail salon,” or “restaurant” is merely a wolf in souvenir crap clothing, and has some sort of secret door or ladder up to the mother-load of handbags made by barefoot sweatshop children. Would you like to buy an L-pod or a Christian Door tote? I actually had a guy deliver me a Louis Futton bag and wallet in a garbage bag by riding past on a bicycle and making the hand-off without even stopping. That’s bionic razor like precision. I wear contacts and cross-train. This brings me to my next order of business to address, and that’s the “Murse.” What’s a murse you ask? Don’t be a moron, I know you know what a murse is. Murse comes from the Latin for man-purse, and hell do those Yankee boys love them. They’re as common in the North as shiny shirts and bad manners. Everywhere I went, there were dudes carrying more stylish satchels than I was. And thank God, really, because I know you guys carry so many things that can’t fit in your pockets. Why there’s your money and your cell phone and your hairbrush and your sunglasses and your manhood. But seriously, I mean women already get the short end of the stick, what with having to wear makeup, bear children and suffer endless discrimination, but no please, take away our right to carry a purse and make that androgynous too. Do you want tampons, too? And to all you farm-raised heterosexuals scared that your camoflauge North Face book sack is a murse, don’t fret. Webster’s upcoming definition of murse omits bookbags and messenger bags from the murse species. If you are carrying a bag for the purpose of carrying books or notebooks or writing utensils, you are carrying a book sack. If you are carrying a well-made leather satchel to hold your clear nail polish, you’re carrying a murse. Murses are great though, really. I mean, there are so many useless things you can carry now, think of how much easier it will be to tote hot dog buns, your supporting actor Oscars, and of course your L-pod. Rock out to some Clay Aiken on your way to work murse-lovers.