Editor’s note: The following is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously or applied literally.
While basketball season is gearing up for teams across the country, the University of Chapel Hill is focusing on what matters most — sustainability.
UNC’s basketball program has been focused on protecting natural resources. This initiative has been dubbed “No More Champs.” The main way this team is cutting down on its waste is by winning fewer ACC and national championships.
“The fewer championships we win, the fewer banners that need to be produced,” said a UNC basketball fan. “It is the least that we could do for the environment.”
Their commitment to the environment has not gone unnoticed. UNC’s men’s basketball team has cut down on championship banners by 100% since 2017.
With all the resources they have saved by not printing ACC and National Championship banners, they can now manufacture more UNC-branded t-shirts, available at a Walmart or Dick’s Sporting Goods near you.
“We wanted to make a difference,” one official said. “And it starts with us. So we brought everyone together and said, ‘We have a crazy idea: let’s stop winning!’ It’s been working out extremely well.”
Another official, Anne Onomus, agrees with the motivations of the “No More Champs” initiative.
“I can see this initiative has caught on,” Onomus said. “Our only concerns are with the other North Carolina schools. Specifically, the NC State women’s basketball team. They need to stop winning ACC championships. We implore you to think of the environment.”
In the past, NC State’s programs have been criticized for cluttering its small gym with too many championship banners. It has been called an audacious display of fabric.
“In 2024, it was a real disappointment that NC State’s men’s team won the ACC championship,” Onomus continued. “For a school that prides itself on agriculture and sustainability, I’m shocked that they would even consider that waste of fabric.”
NC State continues its reckless behavior by continuing to employ proven winner, Wes Moore, as head coach of its women’s basketball team. They have also diminished their commitment to the environment by taking on a new head coach, Will Wade, to produce a successful season at the expense of fabrics.
“It’s infuriating that NC State refuses to consider how many potential resources that they are sacrificing,” expressed another official, Rameses Heel. “What would happen if they go on to win another ACC championship? That’s not a good look for a school who prides itself on sustainability.”
I spoke to Bed-Anne Breakfast, a professor of neuroscience and psychology of local endangered sheep at UNC, who claimed that winning championships is a conspiracy in itself.
“NC State has the top textiles school in North Carolina,” said Breakfast. “If we continue to win championships, all we’re doing is putting money back in NC State’s pocket.”
Despite other ACC teams’ willingness to participate, the “No More Champs” campaign has been extremely popular among UNC teams.
This past season, the initiative was adopted by UNC’s football team, which, against all odds, has maintained an impressive 2-4 record at this point in their football season.
NC State has proven commitment to the environment as it currently diverts over half of its generated waste from campus operations. While this is a strong start, the University could also participate in the “No More Champs” initiative. In order to cut down on canvas use for their gyms, they could refuse to win championships, like UNC Chapel Hill.
UNC is calling for other schools in North Carolina to participate in the “No More Champs” initiative.
“If other schools in the ACC can stop winning, then we can start winning,” Heel said. “I mean, we have conserved so much that, honestly, it’s everyone else’s turn to start doing better, so that we can choose to win again.”
