Caroline Wilbourne
Editor’s note: This article contains mentions of emotional abuse and mental illness.
In college, you’ll find young love abundant everywhere. In my case, I found it and was at one point happy in it. However, my relationship turned out to be toxic and ruined me in ways that I didn’t realize until I was out of it.
Toxic relationships can sometimes turn into abusive ones, and it’s important to look out for the signs. Domestic violence, as defined by the United States Department of Justice, can happen in many forms other than physical. One that I have dealt with, emotional abuse, may sometimes fly under the radar.
The American Psychological Association defines emotional abuse as a pattern of behavior where one person purposefully subjects another to nonphysical acts that are detrimental to their functioning and overall well-being.
It’s crucial to understand that emotional abuse can happen to anyone, no matter their gender or age. It doesn’t have to be in just romantic relationships — it can also be with friends or family.
Abusers have a tendency to control and be possessive of their partners. They typically first love bomb their partner by buying excessive gifts, giving them exaggerated compliments and declaring love early in the relationship. Then they start slowly isolating, silencing and discrediting their victims. They also typically try to manipulate or gaslight their victims into thinking that they are the issue.
Examples of this include not respecting boundaries, deflecting all of the blame of problems onto their partner, invalidating their feelings and emotions, making threats to break up and then retracting them consistently and worst of all, not fixing relationships when the victim is desperately trying to.
Of course, there are multiple other examples of signs of emotional abuse. These are just the ones that I have experienced in my relationship and that have been the most damaging for me.
The effects of this abusive behavior are extremely harmful to both the victim’s self-esteem and mental health. Being in an abusive relationship is emotionally draining and unnecessarily stressful, and going through this as a college student can be especially overwhelming.
Acknowledging that you are a victim of this type of behavior is not easy. Accepting it and realizing that you need to leave the relationship is even harder because you love the person. You keep thinking that things won’t always be this way, but it’s important to know that it unfortunately will be.
If you realize you are a victim of emotional abuse, you must realize that you cannot fix your partner. I have found that is a hard thing to accept, especially when I was in this type of relationship. People who intentionally hurt others in this way never change unless they want to. So, as the victim, you have to let go of the part of yourself that thinks they are going to change for you.
There are also things that won’t stop emotional abuse. One of them is arguing. Try to avoid arguing with an abusive partner, because that will ultimately make it worse. Additionally, you can’t make excuses for your partner’s behavior. If they are emotionally abusing you, that is on them and not on you.
In my relationship, I felt that I had to change myself to make the relationship work. But that is not the solution, leaving is. If you are unable to leave because it is unsafe to do so, it’s okay. Just be sure to distance yourself from your partner in any way you can.
Leaving someone who is treating you this way is never easy. In another article of mine, I talk about how to leave toxic relationships or friendships.
Once you do rack up the courage to finally leave the relationship, or if your abusive partner is the one to leave you, you have to make sure you have a support system to help you heal.
The main thing you must do after getting out of an abusive relationship is focus on yourself. Being in a draining relationship like that forces you to lose yourself. This is the time to regain who you were by indulging in old hobbies, fixing your mental well-being and reaching out to talk to your loved ones or professionals about what happened.
NC State also has plenty of resources to help. The Women’s Center has Survivor Services that will help victims navigate their healing recovery. There are also reporting resources on campus that you can use to report various concerns, including a form that you can fill out if you are concerned about a fellow student.
At the end of the day, those that fall victim to emotional abuse need to remember that it is not their fault and that they don’t deserve that kind of treatment. Also, if you are not in a situation like that but feel that someone in your life is, please talk to them and make sure they get help to get out of that relationship.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health emergency, the Counseling Center can be reached 24 hours a day at 919-515-2423. If you are in a crisis situation and need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. In the case of a life-threatening emergency, call 911.
The Counseling Center’s website offers free online mental health screenings, a plethora of self-help resources regarding mental health and wellness concerns and a comprehensive list of campus services available for those who need guidance. To view an exhaustive list, visit counseling.dasa.ncsu.edu/resources.
If you’re seeking professional counseling or other mental health services on campus, visit the Counseling Center’s Getting Started page at counseling.dasa.ncsu.edu/about-us/gettingstarted to complete paperwork, set up an appointment and more.