Growing up in a deeply religious household, I knew Bible verses like Genesis 2:24 like the back of my hand: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
I took this phrasing very literally and believed that love meant a surrender of self — thoughts, hobbies and basically all of myself. As I got into my teens and joined the dating realm, I had to step back and reflect: Do I need to give myself up for love?
Surely that doesn’t have to be the case. Love has the power to encourage self-discovery and improvement; however, I noticed that if I’m not careful, it has the power to lead me astray and make me lose sight of the things that define me. For that reason, it’s important to look inward and understand how to build relationships whilst maintaining a sense of self.
A tale as old as time, getting into a relationship and changing — we’re supposed to, after all — but it can get to a point. I have mourned the memory of friends who have prioritized spending time with their new partners over the traditions we’ve already had set in place. I’ve seen personality changes in the greatest of ways. In our formative adult years, the curse of overdependence seems just far too common. At times, it can even feel inevitable. As we embark on the journey of newfound independence and self-discovery, we need identities to cling onto.
Part of my issue as I could understand it was growing up in a broken home. Never having a true sense of belonging anywhere, I would have done anything to savor any bit I could get. Eventually, my own priority of personal growth would begin to fade as I began to simulate my partner. Very quickly “me” turned into “we” before I could even notice.
Granted, the bits of those we love ingrain themselves within us naturally. It’s completely understandable, and there’s no shame in it at all.
If you’re enamored with somebody, you might catch yourself immersing yourself in their interests just to get a feel of them once more. I might take selfies a certain way if the guy I’m into likes it. Other times I may even notice a change in the way I speak. But through it all, I have to ask myself, “Am I still me?”
Becoming too enmeshed in a relationship can prove itself to have dire consequences for our sense of self. We begin to lose ourselves in the name of love as we give our entire beings. Hobbies are forgotten as maintaining love becomes the center of focus.
One of the major downsides of such dependency is the overwhelming attachment. Fear of abandonment can feel like complete torture at times, and even casual absence — say, if your significant other goes out of town for the weekend — has the ability to leave one feeling empty. And don’t even get me started on the terrors of a breakup. I could recall countless situations in relationships and friendships where I stayed in unhealthy situations for far too long trying to savour certain moments.
Now, that’s not to say that relationships themselves are the problem. Any healthy bond between two people encourages each person to have an identity outside the other. The new perspectives are what enrich the relationship and allow growth in various ways.
Dependency may be easy to fall into, but preventing it does not have to be a difficult process.
Responsible communication and maintaining hobbies work just as well. Even practicing these skills with friends can shift your mindset to prevent an overreliance before it starts.
“We dress a certain way. We walk a certain way. We talk a certain way. We paint a certain way. We make love a certain way, you know? All of these things we do in a different, unique, specific way that is personally ours,” Barbara Ann Teer said in her 20-minute speech titled “Black Theatre.”
It’s nothing short of the truth. One of the key factors of love is the ability to balance between the self and the other. One has to be able to set crucial boundaries in order to properly maintain oneself in a relationship whilst not also neglecting their partner. This could be as simple as catching up with your own friends just for the sake of it or getting that long-needed alone time and finding out something new about yourself.
Remember: Before you met your partner, there was a certain way about yourself. There was an enigma who did it all in a certain way. That’s why you were seen as enticing to begin with. You don’t have to separate yourself from your partner entirely, but it’s immensely important to have the ability to look inwards and know yourself. That way, you can remain you.
When two people enter into a relationship, they stand beside each other carrying their own name, story and proclivities. The two continue on to build each other up into beings better than they were before and hold their identities together, yet separate.
