Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously or applied literally.
Decorating for the holidays is part of what makes them so special and fun. It’s important to note that you can truly save so much time and money by ethically and naturally sourcing your Halloween decor. Since consumerism has taken over and people are much more materialistic than they used to be, I cannot underestimate the charm your living space will carry once you abuse free will and let your imagination run free.
One of my favorite tactics is not cleaning my room. This is great because it kills two birds with one stone.
Not only do spiderwebs start forming in every corner and crevice that goes untouched for too long, but little creepy crawlies find their way into my room too. It’s a real game of roulette to see which critters will venture into the pile of clothes on my floor or the molded cups on my desk.
Sometimes it’s a cockroach or another harmless bug. But, if I’m lucky, I’ll discover a rat.
As effortless as that is, pumpkins truly have to be the easiest decoration of them all. You can grow these pretty much anywhere. You don’t even need a yard. All it takes is a patch of grass and some love.
Everyone has a park near them, or a field of some sort. With enough love, care and water, you’ll get a pumpkin in a few months max. Bonus points if it grows in some strange, misshapen way. And we don’t have to be picky about pumpkin types; gourds are welcome too. I’m always saying: the more warts, the better. As long as you are willing to do some Halloween preparation, these will serve as beautiful jack-o-lanterns when the right time rolls around.
This technique is much more satisfactory too. You get to see your own hard-earned work instead of buying some overpriced fruit from the grocery store.
Next, as a big Halloween fan myself, I love some candy corn. It’s totally underrated, and I go through a few bags of it a year. I am far too tempted when stores start putting it on the shelf as early as June.
But every time I tell somebody I enjoy this sweet treat, they harass me about the amount of sugar in these little corn pieces.
Recently, I’ve decided to listen to the constructive criticism I’ve been receiving and have started to buy corn in bulk — just right on the cob. I’ve found that when you shell it and roll the pieces around in some syrup, you can almost imagine you are eating the same thing.
Another issue of mine is that when it comes to creative liberty, I don’t think we utilize the power we hold like we should. The whole witches and ghosts and skeleton thing is getting pretty old. We see this sort of thing every year. Does nobody get tired of seeing the same decorations over and over again?
I propose we introduce something far more terrifying, something that lots of people are afraid of.
Maybe it’s admitting you were wrong, or having to take a test you didn’t study for. Or, my personal favorite, public speaking.
For the latter, the decor can be simple; all you need is a stage, a fabricated audience and a mic or a powerpoint presentation. You don’t even need friends for this one, as stuffed animals or skeletons, if you insist on using them, would do just fine, but brownie points to those who know enough people to pull this off.
Hayrides and corn mazes are nothing compared to the true fear you will feel while putting your ego on the line.
These are just a few ideas that have been brewing in my head for a while now, but I encourage anybody who is reading this to come up with some ideas of their own. I’d love to start seeing some new and original Halloween scenery.
