Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire. It should not be taken seriously or applied literally.

We all know the Wi-Fi on campus has been inconsistent as of recent. Lately, with all the construction and confusion on campus, from the Wolfline shortages to the Google Drive restrictions, it seems like NC State has taken a step back in time, so why don’t we lean into the Victorian aesthetic.

Here are my recommendations going forward:

Obviously, the first step is to trash our laptops and bring back pen and paper. No more taking notes, doing assignments or working on exams online; it’s all analog again. I suggest getting yourself a quill and ink and learning to make your own parchment.

Don’t worry, paper making is super easy. The process only takes a few hours, so you’ll have something to write on by the time the internet is back on.

Also consider learning calligraphy, which makes writing much more efficient, and it’ll make the notes look formal and nice. Just make sure to find a quiet space to work so you don’t lose focus from all the errant construction noises.

While we’re at it, let’s also remove the printers. We’d still have those services at the library just in case your handwriting isn’t the best or you need to put out flyers, only now the price has increased by 1,000% and the cost is $15.

Next we’ll need to remove all modern lighting. I know this sounds inconvenient, but homework by candlelight is a must-add to your study routine.

This may be harder to do in places like the library, especially when everyone goes there at night, but if we light enough candles, I’m sure it’ll be fine. A candlelit D.H. Hill Jr. Library would be so fun for Halloween.

This would also be very considerate for the University to help save on bills while it constructs the new Integrative Sciences Building. While electricity and Wi-Fi are nice, it would really help NC State out, especially since the University has not received any recent major grants.

Does the use of candlelight present some issues for rain at night? Yes, but in this case, simply stay in.

On the note of energy, we may have to minimize use of the dining halls. Don’t worry though, everyone will still be able to access the other on-campus dining options just as we have, incidentally, increased the prices of food everywhere else, again, from the past year.

Cars won’t do on our new campus either. They don’t really fit in this year anyway on account of all the road construction. We can bring back horse-drawn carriages. I only know of one horse that sometimes comes on campus, so we may have to carpool (carriage-pool?), but it should work out.

Of course, we’d keep the scooters, but their base price will also increase. It’s now $9 per minute and you still can’t ride it on sidewalks.

With all these changes, campus will feel more welcoming and open than ever before. Our applications will skyrocket and everyone will want to be a member of the Pack, even if the campus is already struggling to provide housing, affordable meals or transport for its current students.