It was 2 a.m., and I was walking back to my residence hall.
“Hey, are you doing OK?” I asked.
“Do you know where University Apartments are?” she asked. Her words were slurred. She walked unsteadily next to a man, his arm holding half her weight. I think they were both NC State students.
“Sorry, what did you say?” I persisted.
“Do you know where University Apartments is?”
The man standing next to her shook his head vigorously. He mouthed the word “no.” They started to walk toward the parking lot, but she stumbled and fell on the sidewalk. He went through the motions.
“Are you OK? Let me help you up,” he said. “I’ll take you home if you want.”
I walked up to them again.
“Hey look, I don’t want to make assumptions, but she’s way too drunk to…”
At the time, my voice trailed off, but now I want to shout. How does he think he can get consent, if one party is too impaired to walk? Tell me more about this imaginary world in which you are able to negotiate a sexual encounter when she is too intoxicated to speak clearly. Why is she asking about University Apartments? And why are you shaking your head and pretending to be drunker than you are?
“Look, I appreciate your concern,” he said. “I really do. What’s your name?”
“Carl,” I said.
He reached out his hand. I shook his hand.
“Look Carl, I’m not doing anything wrong. I swear. I can tell you’re a good guy. Are we cool?”
I could have been more assertive, persuasive, creative. I could have called her a taxi, pretended that I knew her, called University Police if I felt unsafe. But he smiled, and he looked me in the eye. I trusted him even though I didn’t trust him. I did what he wanted. I walked away.
I wrote this piece because I don’t want to walk away. I want to share two ideas that help me understand why sexual violence exists and what we can do to end it. Kalamu ya Salaam writes, “As long as male domination exists, rape will exist. Only women revolting and men made conscious of their responsibility to fight sexism can collectively stop rape.” Similarly, Andrea Smith suggests, “Strategies designed to combat violence within communities (sexual/domestic violence) must be linked to strategies that combat violence directed against communities, including state violence (such as police brutality, –prisons, militarism, racism, colonialism and economic exploitation).”
I want to leave you with some questions. In what ways do people like you and me, as well as institutions like NC State, give people who perform acts of violence permission to do that violence? What will it take for us to revoke this social license to operate? What work can we do to create a world in which sexual violence becomes unthinkable?
Here are a few helpful resources: The NC State Women’s Center provides interpersonal violence advocacy services for students, regardless of gender or sexuality. The Women’s Center is located in 5210 Talley Student Union (right next door to the GLBT Center) and is open 8 a.m.–5 p.m. Monday through Friday. You can also call the 24-hour Relationship and Sexual Violence Phone (RSVP) Line: 919-618-RAPE (7273).
InterAct provides support to victims and survivors of domestic violence and rape/sexual assault. Its main office is located at 1012 Oberlin Rd. and is open 8 a.m.-5 p.m. Monday through Friday (919-828-7501). In addition to numerous resources, InterAct has several 24-hour crisis lines: Domestic Violence- 919-828-7740 or 866-291-0855; Sexual Assault- 919-828-3005 or 866-291-0853; Solace Center- 919-828-3067 or 866-291-0854.
I’d love to hear your ideas and perspectives. You can reach me at [email protected].
