Disclaimer: The Ivory Belltower is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
I usually don’t write any letters because I think that writing is invented by the devil and it doesn’t accomplish anything good, but I just saw that speech you made about that bull that America needs more gun rules and regulations and I just had to pick up my crayon and start writing because I haven’t got anything but bad words for you. Just because some college students keep getting shot up, doesn’t mean you have any right to take our guns! There’s no logic behind that at all. Why would fewer guns be equal to less gun violence? It just doesn’t add up. I think I know more about this country than you, because you obviously haven’t read the Constitution of our great America. Let me do some quoting for you, because I think that facts speak for themselves.
The 2nd Amendment: “A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
You read that?! Not be infringed, at all. This thing was written back in the times of our forefathers and you better believe it still works perfect for today’s times! It’s not like the year 1791 was any different than 2015. We haven’t changed much from then to now. That amendment there was written to make sure Americans during that time did have any guns they wanted to hunt and protect themselves.
We have just as much right as them to hunt and protect ourselves nowadays. Because hunting is totally moral, no matter what any of those animal rights nuts have to say about it.
For instance, I completely stand with that Dr. Palmer, the man who killed Cecil the Lion. That lion was going to eat him; lions like people meat. They’re of the devil. Palmer was acting in self-defense, and trophy hunting is always moral as it protects our right to have nice animal body part decorations in our homes; and protection? Don’t get me started.
If all those smarty pants college students had had guns, they could have not been dead right now. They would’ve had their guns cocked and ready at all times in the classroom, ready for those crazy person killers to come in and start shooting up the place. Because it’s practical to have your gun cocked and at the ready at all times, especially at college.
My answer to these college shootings? The same as the NRA, the holiest of the sources: MORE GUNS. Get guns to protect against those crazy killers and everybody will be fine. Don’t regulate our guns. Don’t mandate any background checks. They have been proven to not work anyway, at least according to my mama. It’s not like other countries that have gun regulations have less gun violent things. Look at Australia! They’ve banned guns and they aren’t doing so well. Sure, they have a firearm death rate that is 5 percent the size of America’s, but they don’t have the same amazing freedom as us! Sure they haven’t had any mass shootings since they banned guns, but that doesn’t mean anything.
More guns equal more safety, and more freedom equals less problems. Because freedom, except in the case of the gay marriage, a woman’s “right” to choice and our holy religion, is above all. Don’t you dare take away our 2nd amendment rights.
-A concerned citizen
Annie Astraikis
Correspondent
