Yesterday, I got my inspiration for this column the same way I generally get inspiration for my columns: Twitter. This time, the latest Twitter drama was centered on relationships. The basic premise was that women ignored the men “sliding into their DMs” and thus were missing out on the opportunity to meet a nice or decent guy. There are several problems with this belief, but ultimately what is being said is that women should be so “grateful” for “polite” advances by men and that they should set aside any genuine feelings of attraction in order to appease, or ego stroke the male.
The entire situation centered around a woman posing with her presumed husband and child, with the caption, “I answered his DM, and look at me now.”
For those who are not familiar with the term “sliding into someone’s DMs,” I will elaborate. Sliding into one’s DMs refers to messaging an individual, via social media in a direct message about your interest in engaging in some form of relationship with them. This relationship can be, but generally is not, simply platonic. Sliding into someone’s DMs is generally also associated with “shooting your shot,” or pursuing someone who you otherwise believe to be out of your league — this is where the problem began.
I watched as Tweeters, many of whom were students, engaged in a dialogue. One guy said, “That’s what’s wrong with females these days. They don’t appreciate good guys anymore.”
There are several things wrong with this ideal. First of all, sending a woman a tasteful and respectful message does not make a nice guy — that should be expected of you. And if you turn into a nasty gremlin who hurls insults after you are turned down, you weren’t a nice guy to begin with.
I also have a problem with the term “nice guy.” What constitutes one? Where do you find them? Why are they so nice? Elite Daily published an article titled “5 Scientific Reasons Why Women Just Won’t Go For The Nice Guys.” The list of reasons ranged from nice guys being boring, to women loving taking on projects. The article also included a study conducted by the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy that “focused on university women and their perception of the “nice guy” stereotype.”
These reasons may be the case for some women, and it definitely seems plausible that some women prefer “bad guys” over “good guys.” But here’s the thing: Women should not be expected to entertain someone’s interests because they’re nice. Being a nice person is not enough to build a meaningful relationship with someone. There are other significant properties required to do so; such as physical attraction of some sort, or feeling comfortable with that person. Bullying people into “seeing your dating potential” is not OK, and it can have crucial effects.
Up until this point, I have stated that these rules only apply when a man pursues a woman, because that is the status quo, but these rules also apply when a woman pursues a man. It seems to follow that the reason people become angry after their advances are declined is due to pride. It’s OK to shoot your shot or slide into someone’s DMs, but remember that that person doesn’t owe you anything at the end of the day.
