If you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day with your “Biscuit-butt,” “Luv-bug ,” or whatever you’re forced to call your significant other, then keep reading because I’m about to give you the answer to the question you’re too afraid to ask.
By now, you’ve eaten every piece of assorted chocolate– except for the coconut ones. If you like those, you’re probably single. You’ve realized all of the inconsistencies in the plot of the crappy romantic film you watched and paralleled to your own relationship. And most importantly, you checked your bank statement online. Now you have a much more objective view on your relationship since you’re not being subjected to Valentine’s Day propaganda, and you’re wondering how you ended up with this person in the first place. You can’t stand being tied down by someone you would, without hesitation, trip and leave behind to escape from a grizzly bear. You want a breakup rivaling any breakup, ever. As a tenured bachelor, I am highly qualified to answer your question with some advice. Your first option is to make them initiate the break up. Breaking up with someone this soon after Valentine’s Day will lower your social stock, and you don’t want to do that. Try getting your message across subtly at first. Avoid their invitations to hang out with lame excuses like, “I’ll be in D.H . Hill all night,” or “sorry, I have to massage my grandma that day.” Hopefully, they’ll get the message, or be creeped out at how often you massage your grandma. If you try that a few times to no avail, then it’s time to be a little more overt. As much as it pains you, achieving happiness might mean spending some time with the person you can’t stand. Accept their next offer at a little quality time, but this time, everything about you is going to be a turn off. Try going au naturel for a day: no shower, no deodorant, pajamas. It might help to eat garlic by the clove and during the really intimate moments, make sure to accept every call and respond to every text you get. While you’re hanging out, they’re probably going to want to talk about really annoying things, like themselves. You didn’t ask them how their day went, but they’re going to tell you anyway. If they start to complain to you about personal issues, do everything you can to seem disinterested. Open up an old text message and chuckle, then look up at them and say “huh?” After you’ve done this, it’s important to shift the focus to you, no matter what the situation. Say something along the lines of “I’m hungry,” “I’m bored,” or “I think your mom is hot.” This will make them think you’re a self-absorbed jerk, and you have no interest in a relationship with them. Your other option is to initiate the breakup yourself, and the best way to do this with a well-executed ambush. Invite them to an activity providing you with a means to escape. Adventure Landing is the perfect place for a break up. My preference is the go-kart track. Once you get going on the track, drive beside them and deliver the break up message. Then comes the important part: spin them out. Wreck their go-kart the same way you wrecked your relationship. This ensures you two don’t complete the track at the same time and you can leave first. Get creative, you can find way to make this work with activities like paintball and laser-tag. Now that you have a basic idea of how to end your bad romance, go forth and prosper. If your attempts are unsuccessful, then a straightforward and insincere “It’s not you, it’s me,” will suffice.