I don’t go to the library often because I don’t like the smell of books. On the rare occasions when I do go to D.H . Hill, I find the most interesting people. I guess you could say I just go to people-watch.
It’s a lot like visiting the “People of Wal-Mart” website. If you are unfamiliar with this website, I suggest you visit it the first chance you get. Basically, it’s a collection of pictures of people who look ridiculous or are doing absurd things in Wal-Mart stores.
Like the stereotypes you can make about the “People of Wal-Mart,” I have noticed there are a few generalizations that can be made about the absurdity of the people who go to the library—some of these people are listed below.
(I should add that the following is meant to be sarcastic and humorous, so don’t be offended if you happen to fall in one of the categories.)
1. The YouTubers .
That’s right, I saw you, guy watching Beyonce music videos. And now I’m calling you out. I mean, it’s not like you were trying to hide it. You were sitting in the middle of the learning commons. My friends and I had an awesome time laughing at you, but just don’t do it anymore. It looks weird. Plus, I can think of a million other bands that are much more tasteful. Might I suggest giving Fountains of Wayne a try?
2. The one who partied too hard last night.
Just how many shots did you take last night? And how many girls did you make out with? Too bad you don’t remember, but the guys you were with do, and now so do all the people within earshot of their booming voices.
3. The gamers.
Do you live in the library? You are there at all hours of the day and night. Sometimes, I wonder if you have classes or homework to do. I usually don’t question whether you eat, though, because you are often surrounded by greasy pizza boxes and crumpled energy drink cans.
4. The girl gossiping on her cell phone in the bookstacks .
Quiet zone. Enough said.
5. The I-just-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-and-my-life-is-over girl.
First of all, there are other fish in the sea. I realize this might be a stressful time in your life, but it is not the end of the world. Secondly, I really don’t need to listen to your heaving sobs while I am trying to do mass balances. Just a little piece of advice for the future—you would save yourself a lot of heartache if you didn’t get back together with Jason after you realized he was cheating on you for the fourth time.
6. The guy who was just diagnosed with a rare disease.
I didn’t know the disease existed, and I’m pretty sure I could have gone through the rest of my day, and life, without knowing you have it and what the symptoms are. There is such a thing as too much information, you know.
7. The next American Idol reject.
I really appreciate the fact you are wearing headphones to spare me from whatever you are listening to; however, singing out loud seems to contradict the purpose of using the headphones in the first place. Maybe it would be fine if you had a great voice, but let’s be brutally honest, I would rather listen to nails scraping across a chalk board. Save it for the privacy of your shower next time.
