As I grow older, I often realize that things I once thought were fun and exciting have become dull and sometimes even painful. One of these things happens to be the State Fair. Paying $7 just to walk through the gates doesn’t seem so bad, until you add in all of the extras.

Let’s face it, nobody comes to the Fair just for the free stuff. The ride tickets at a dollar a pop would only be nominally excessive, except for the fact that you can’t ride anything for just one ticket, not even the kiddie rides. Compound that with the fact that I won’t ride OSHA-regulated rollercoasters, much less carnie-manned death traps, and you can easily see why I steer clear of the whirling gears of terror.

Now, many might consider the games to be a safer alternative. However, I have beef with them as well. The large stuffed animals and AC/DC mirrors are harder to win than an N.C. State football game, and are definitely not worth the money you must feed the nomadic fair employees.

Most people fail to realize the $3 they pay to play actually costs more than the prize, or perhaps they just don’t care. As I once won a live iguana at the New Hanover County Fair, I have subsequently protested fair games on moral grounds. Iguanas should stay in the Carribean, and AC/DC mirrors should stay in the 80s.

Now the fair food is another whole issue, and while I could claim it as the highlight, you might be afraid of what my lowlight would be. Fair food is the reason otherwise sedentary and obese people leave their house once a year. It is a common fact that you can get anything fried, and I do mean anything. Alligator, emu, Coca-cola and Snickers are some of the more exotic, but previously healthy things like vegetables can also be found.

Two new additions to this year’s fried midway are pecan pie and macaroni and cheese, but please don’t ask me how they do it. Aside from the fried food, our very own University ice cream is a popular draw, and it is true that before I lived in Raleigh I looked forward to eating the best frozen dairy product this side of Tennessee. But now I can get it at the Talley C-Store, so the desire to brave the crowd is a bit more subdued.

I suppose the original point of the fair, the agriculture exhibits, are kind of cool but I’m one of those folks who believe a cow should be in a field and not in a show ring. I used to like looking at all the bunnies. The only redeeming exhibit of the agriculture displays, and quite possibly the entire fair, are the butter sculptures.

When I last attended in 2005, the winning depiction, encased in a refrigerator so it didn’t melt, was of a life-sized man milking a life-sized cow. Pretty epic for butter, but I can definitely think up some cheaper ways of entertainment.

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