Thanks to the grim news from the May 25 News & Observer blurb, the streets and yards of Wake County are no longer safe, due to a grave threat of bears.
When I first read that pitiful report, my gut clenched with fear and I broke out into a cold sweat. The bears are coming to destroy America: democracy, apple pie and baseball.
And it’s clear why the bears have started their offensive: we’ve destroyed their homes and natural environments and they can smell our fear. This is unlike the squirrel menace I boldly brought to the attention of N.C. State. The bears do not rely on subtlety and sabotage employed by the cowardly squirrels. When a bear attacks, it does one thing — it delivers a crippling blow with the first strike. Is there anything scarier than being gravely injured by a bear claw? This columnist says “no.”
Even more terrifying was the lack of detail the N&O gave the story — a mere three sentences! Clearly, the mainstream media has been bought by the evil leaders of the bears, with the ultimate aim of lulling our nation into the deadly calm before the storm of bear claws. Instead of informing the good citizens of Wake County all of the proper measures to evade bear ambushes and survive lethal bear-strikes, the newspaper managed to engage in the fear-mongering that has enabled bears to detect the terror that lurks in our collective souls.
I fear we can no longer walk the streets at ease without the constant terror of bears mauling our friends, coworkers or, heavens forbid, the children. Yet what truly imparts the blackest terror into my heart is the appalling lack of attention that the news have given to this grave threat. As far as I know, I am the lone voice of reason in my calls for immediate and drastic action against the bear threat.
Now that I’ve managed to raise the alarm, I think it’s obvious what the University needs to do. We’ve already established WolfAlert for conventional threats and natural disasters — now is the time to perfect it and, thus, protect us all from bear attacks.
To facilitate this, the University must also re-evaluate its construction policies. Yes, we need new, bear-proof buildings. But we cannot constantly clog roads and reroute traffic, as it will confuse an already terrified populace. Even worse, the noise from construction may serve as a mask for daytime bear raids, preventing students from hearing the warning roars of a bear assault.
And for the truly committed to this cause, I call on you to join me in the good fight. We need more people writing the truth for all to see. And thus we ironically must heed the words of a bear in our fight for survival: you, and only you, can prevent bear superiority.
Send in your bear worries to [email protected]
