Either 1 in 2,880,000.00 or 1 in 2,160,000.00.

My odds of gaining infamy through my skills in interpretive dance? The odds of N.C. State beating Carolina at anything? Or perhaps my odds of becoming the — No, wait, I got it! Those are my odds for winning $100,000 in the new education lottery…it’s a sure thing!

Starting March 30, we will be able to play four new lottery scratch card games; the traditional and mysteriously titled, “North Carolina Education Lottery,” the childlike yet very cerebral, “Tic Tac Toe,” the fast-paced and thrilling, “Blackjack,” or the big Kahuna — “$100,000 Carolina Cash” — which I’m counting on to provide me with a short-term income until we can start playing Powerball in a few months.

As a future lottery winner, I’m just glad that we will have a lottery that does our state so much good. I’m pleased that, as the official Web site of the State of North Carolina says, 100 percent of the net proceeds will go to funding public schools.

Hmm… net proceeds? I seem to recall something from economics… oh well, I’m sure that’s all of it — and that roughly two-thirds of the money spent buying tickets won’t be spent on administrative costs, prizes and advertising, right?

Now, I bet all of you Negative Nancys out there think that those odds are terrible and it would be better to work and save money than to assume I can win the lottery whenever I need cash. However, I would reply that that’s what “The Man” wants you to think, and really there can be no better reply for kids these days (they love that conspiracy theory garbage).

Really, I’m not here to convince people to play, I don’t want the competition. This way I won’t have a bunch of nonbelievers in there mucking up my chances. Not that I really need the help — those odds are fantastic already!

So now that we’re all basically assured of winning at least $100,000, the main concern is, what should we do with the winnings? We could save or invest… no, too boring and too yuppie, respectively.

We’ll obviously have to donate some of it to maintain the ultimate luck/karma/or what have you, which will ensure our continued winning until we become so wealthy we feel bad about playing and retire to greatness.So after we take out the taxes and the donations and the day-to-day expenses of living, we will probably have just enough money left to buy more lottery tickets.

Perfect! Now, while I concede that living hand-to-mouth while waiting for the next big pay-off is a fabulous idea, I’m a little concerned that someone with a family to feed will actually follow this advice. So, here is my disclaimer, no one with children or any sort of dependent (be it a pet or even a houseplant) should ever rely on the lottery for their sole means of support. Luckily for me, I’m afraid of all animals and am too lazy to keep live plants. Once again, irrational fear and perpetual laziness pays off… excellent.

Now, I’ve been hearing a lot of mumbo-jumbo on the news about how gambling is immoral and how lotteries prey on the poor. As a staunch advocate for the wholesomeness of lotteries, allow me to contradict these statements. It’s not immoral to throw my money into a river, so gambling shouldn’t be immoral either.

Since I already said people with dependents shouldn’t play, I’ll extend that to include everyone who needs their money. OK, gambling is great if everyone who needs their money or is unwilling to throw money into the river doesn’t play. Besides, in all fairness I don’t think you can call the lottery gambling. It’s not gambling if you can’t lose.

Now, I think it’s painfully obvious that 97.8 percent of this article has been sarcastic and insincere. However, I’m too caring of a person to leave my readers without honest advice. Don’t play the lottery unless you are searching for a source of mild disappointment. You probably won’t win, and you would be better off spending your money on something that will provide you with a tangible benefit.

However, since I know that no amount of reasoning will keep me from buying a card now and then (especially after Powerball comes to town) I would like to take this opportunity to say that in the event that you do win, please remember that I was always your biggest supporter and should probably be compensated accordingly.

Share your winnings with Kate at [email protected]