NOTE: Although the events mentioned in On a Side Note are true, the author has put a comedic and false twist to the end of most of the incidents listed. Therefore, these news bits should be taken with a grain of salt.
Nuke keys in cushions of couch
After the owner of a German nuclear power plant reported he lost the keys to a security area, authorities changed 150 locks, a ministry spokesman in the southwestern state of Baden-Wuerttemberg said Monday. EnBw, the plant operator, said he was unable to locate the 12 missing keys despite extensive searching and questioning. “The keys have simply disappeared,” the ministry spokesman told Reuters. A witness claims to have seen General “Buck” Turgidson roaming around the complex muttering, “Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines.”
Connecticut can’t control crazy cat
A “crazy” cat name Lewis has been terrorizing the residents of the Connecticut neighborhood Sunset Circle. “He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot, each with a long claw,” Janet Kettman, a neighbor told the Associated Press Monday. The town’s animal control officer personally issued Lewis a restraining order because of the cat’s stealth and “formidable weapons,” as Kettman refers to the claws. Lewis has reportedly attacked a half dozen people and ambushed an Avon lady — apparently Lewis is also a drag queen.
101 Biggest Indian Oops!
Mumbai politicians are waging a morality campaign against fashion show “wardrobe malfunctions.” The action comes after model Carol Gracias’ halter slipped down to her waist, showing her breasts to photographers and TV cameras during a fashion show in Mumbai last week. Later, former Miss India Gauhar Khan’s skirt zipper split to reveal her bottom to the media. Mumbai politicians’ morality campaign does not stop with fashion shows, as they have left thousands of female dancers jobless after shutting down the city’s dance bars. President Bush has taken note that Mumbai’s morality campaign will reportedly target Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan and basically the entire Los Angeles nightclub circuit — and Michael Jackson, for the hell of it.
Can’t go fly a kite
According to a provincial government minister, for reasons of public safety, on Tuesday lawmakers in Northwestern Pakistan approved a law banning kite flying. The law comes on the heels of a similar action by the government in the Eastern Punjab province. Authorities banned kite flying after kite strings reinforced with glass and metal coating killed seven people. “The aim of the law is to protect lives and government and private property,” Sardar Mohammed Idress, minister for local government and rural development in the province’s Cabinet, told the Associated Press. The government will reportedly also ban paddleballs due to increased eye injuries, yo-yos for finger sprains and fun because it’s lame.
