If you have ever perused the humor/self-help section of any bookstore, you have more than likely encountered a series of books called The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook. Authors Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht created these ingenious books to help the average person wrestle alligators, diffuse time bombs and perform a tracheotomy on a pregnant woman in a flaming runaway taxicab.

The two survival specialists recently came out with a new edition entitled Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: College. I read most of it at the mall the other day, and I must say they’ve got the college experience pretty well covered. However, they did leave a few things out, more than likely because you will only experience some of these scenarios at N.C. State.

In hopes that the folks at Chronicle Books, LLC will read our lowly student newspaper and discover the portions that are woefully absent from their book, I have so generously provided them below.

Worst Case Scenario #1: Trapped in an elevatorDespite the fact that we have one of the most well-known engineering programs in the country, the elevators on our campus never fail to surprise the unsuspecting rider by abruptly stopping between floors and refusing to continue. Being familiar with several instances in which my friends were trapped in elevators, I have compiled this exhaustive list of what to do if you are ever find yourself in this situation.

Step 1: Hit the emergency call button and tell the operator you are stuck.

Step 2: Wait.

That is really all you can do in such situations. Being stuck in an elevator makes you about as helpless as the fat kid in dodge ball.

Worst Case Scenario #2: Men workingAs you will often find is the case on our campus, your route to class will be frequently blocked by unexplained construction. Like becoming trapped in an elevator, this is often unexpected and annoying.

If you should find that your path is blocked by construction:

Step 1: Don’t panic. Construction workers feed off of human fear.

Step 2: Look for an alternate route nearby. If one is accessible, take it.

Step 3: If not, skip class. If saves a lot of headaches in the end.

Worst Case Scenario #3: Parking without a permitDue to N.C. General Assembly lawsuits against the Transportation Department, our meter maids are more eager than ever to pass out parking fines. Unfortunately, due to circumstances that are sometimes beyond your control, you may have to park illegally. To prevent getting a costly $10 ticket, follow these steps:

Step 1: Employ the “Bogus Boot.” Using an aluminum pie tin, pieces of PVC pipe and some yellow spray paint, fashion yourself a fake boot to put on your car. Gullible traffic cops will think they have already tagged your vehicle and will pass it on.

Step 2: If you are ill prepared to make a Bogus Boot, throw paint on your car and declare it a modern art installation. If a parking cop gives you a ticket, accuse him of being a lowbrow philistine with no appreciation for fine art.

Step 3: If neither of these tips sound appealing to you, I would then suggest trying to convince the parking attendant you are a visiting student and get a temporary tag.

Worst Case Scenario #4: Slippery when wetIf you have ever been walking around campus on a rainy day, you have more than likely discovered the slick state of wet brick. Considering that there is an infestation of these brown rectangular prisms on our campus, you should know what to do to avoid sliding on them.

Step 1: Travel at the posted speed limit. This means don’t run on the bricks, although people do it all the time, presumably because they don’t enjoy cold rain soaking their clothing.

Step 2: If possible, avoid bricks altogether. Walk in the road, but not in the path of oncoming traffic.

Step 3: If you feel yourself slipping, grab a hold of something stationary nearby. If nothing is available, and you know you are about to eat it, aim for a soft patch of grass to ease your fall.

Step 4: Crawl in a hole and die. Everyone knows there is nothing more embarrassing than falling on your butt in front of a crowd of strangers.

Tell A.J. your survival tips at [email protected].