It’s never a good idea to drive drunk, but sometimes there’s just no way around it. Sometimes you’re drunk, and you need to go somewhere. I have done it many times myself.
In fact, I have done so much drunk driving that I consider myself an expert. And so I now give you, ladies and gentlemen, the benefit of all (or some of) my illegal experience, in a handy guide on how not to get screwed over by drunk driving.
The first guideline is simple: Don’t drive drunk if you can possibly help it. Get some other unlucky sod to be the D.D. But don’t designate yourself. Then go and get smashed.
If you’re drinking at home, get more beer than you think you could ever drink. That way, when you’re reaching the bottom of the first case, you won’t feel it necessary to drive to the store drunk and high and buy another twelve-pack. If you get hungry, order some pizza.
But sometimes you get drunk before the party, and nobody can drive there but you; or you’re leaving the party and definitely drunk, but feel capable of driving. At any rate, sometimes you’ve just got to drive drunk.
Second guideline: Be extra careful when you drive. Careful as hell. I have a friend named Wally who was caught for a DWI because he was swerving and someone called the police, who met him leaving the Kangaroo (having there bought more beer) and immediately pulled him over. Wally will be our example of what NOT to do if you are pulled over.
So the cop comes up to Wally’s window and it goes down. The cop says, “You had anything to drink tonight?”
“Yes, sir, and I’m going to cooperate fully,” says Wally, who is a good, honest, drunk fellow. Then the police officer asks Wally some questions, and Wally answers them truthfully.
This is his fatal mistake. Some of these questions, such as “How many drinks have you had tonight?” “Do you believe you are intoxicated?” “Have you smoked any marijuana this evening?” are of a damning nature, it is a bad idea on Wally’s part to answer them at all, let alone truthfully.
The thing to do, if you are pulled over and you’ve been drinking, is to give the policeman your name and all your paper credentials, and give him nothing else. If he asks you a question, just say “Do I have to answer that?” He may compel you to take a field sobriety test; it is best to comply with this, and with all his outright commands. But never tell him anything unless you have to.
While he is talking to you, you should somehow or other mention that you just ate a large meal and are very full. This might get you off, even if you are over the legal limit.
Nevertheless, if he wishes to take you downtown, he will. Don’t worry about this. Just do your best to sober up, and if there is water or food available along the way, consume it.
You’ll sit around jail for a while, and then you’ll come to the Breathalyzer. And here you play your trump card. Right before you’re about to blow, say, “I want a witness!” If some jailhouse employee steps up, shout, “I want an impartial witness!” Then call your witness, and tell them to be there in about a half hour. The police have to wait half an hour for the witness; that’s the beautiful thing. So you’ve got a good 30 minutes to sober up. Often this will be enough. If you can gain access to a water fountain, drink about a gallon.
If you still fail the Breathalyzer, well, it’s really gonna suck. Wally took what is perhaps the best course: he didn’t waste money on a lawyer, just went in, pleaded guilty and received the minimum sentence. But then, Wally was an idiot, since he answered every question the policeman asked him, and so obliterated his own defense.
All told, the whole deal cost him about $1,000 and much time and worry. It’s far better to not get caught. What I am trying to say is, drunk driving is just like anything else: there are smart and stupid ways of doing it.
Smarts and stupids alike can e-mail Jeff at [email protected]