Off the street of Hillsborough and behind the Pizzeria of New York, there lived and breathed a terrible two-headed monster who went by the name of Medlin. Medlin wasn’t actually a single monster with two heads, he was much worse (thunder, lightning). Medlin is a monster that dwells in two bodies, thus wreaking twice the amount of havoc. He is a four-eyed and prowling creature that seeks misery upon all his victims.
For now, one must know that every monster has its perverted power; Medlin’s is the tow truck.
The first body that Medlin possesses, and perhaps the more powerful of the two, is that of the Tow-Truck Driver. The Tow-Truck Driver is a sturdy fellow with a height of about five and a half feet. There is not one parcel of hair to be found upon his head despite the thick patch growing on his chin.
Legend has it that Medlin takes pride in premature hair loss.
The Tow-Truck Driver features an unforgettable scowl that haunts the dreams of many a victim. When looked upon, the grimacing and unsympathetic face of the Tow-Truck Driver is never forgotten.
But the Tow-Truck Driver, one must remember, does not work alone. Ancient rumors claim that Medlin possesses yet another man and he is Hobbit-Man.
Hobbit-Man stands approximately five feet high and has such straggly and dirty gray hair that even the Greeks had to look upon his shadow twice to certify that he was not Medusa herself.
Hobbit-Man is a scoundrel and takes pride in his work.
His job is bad, but the worse the better.
He preys on the sidewalks, often taking disguise in the form of an innocent and homeless beggar. Do not be fooled — he watches your every step, especially your parking job. Hobbit-Man can typically be found laughing and enjoying himself all the merrier, but this is no laughing matter.
His laughs come at your expense.
Tow-Truck Driver and Hobbit-Man are a tag team as frightful as the combination of Riddler and Two-Face. Each possesses unique powers that feed off the wrath of Medlin and harmonize to make life worse for every living being that parks his or her vehicle in the concrete realm that is behind I Love New York Pizza.
The ways with which Tow-Truck Driver and Hobbit-Man operate their system are cruel and corrupted. Mercy has long been absent and professionalism has been deemed a useless concern.
In the early days, Medlin had every right to order his monsters to tow cars parked in the lot of I Love New York Pizza. That is, if the owners were not actual I Love New York Pizza customers. But those days are of the past, Tow-Truck Driver and Hobbit-Man have now soured and consequentially tow whomever they want.
I have seen it myself.
Late one night when the clouds were heavy and the rain thick, a girl (and I Love New York Pizza customer) ran out the back door of I Love New York Pizza sobbing and screaming, “Dónde esta mi coche?” She shrieked cold-bloodedly. It was too late. Tow-Trucker had already struck at the command of Hobbit-Man. Medlin was victorious yet again.
Medlin is sneaky, a wretched monster indeed. A monster whose success depends critically on his ability to be two places at once.
He survives on the feed of unjustly-towed cars that slither down his esophagus (Western Boulevard) and into his stomach (Park and Sell just off of S. Wilmington Street). In between meals he snacks on victim’s cash, which is the only form of payment Tow-Truck Driver apparently accepts.
The Battle of Medlin Towing vs. Everyone Else (especially N.C. State students) is long underway and is one that features endless terrifying personal accounts. Stories that make young children look in their closets and out in their driveways, hoping to find them vacant of the Tow-Truck Driver and his truck.
Though the Battle is long and ever endures, there is no reason to abandon all hope. Justice might still prevail.
However, until then, I find it an honorable duty to warn all potential customers (and non-customers alike) of I Love New York Pizza against the dangers and consequences of Medlin’s Racket that looms just beyond the brick’s edge of Hillsborough Street.
It is there that Tow-Truck Driver and Hobbit Man lurk, waiting for the next car. Waiting for the next victim.
Don’t let it be you.
E-mail Warren at [email protected].