I bet you all have probably heard about the big fire out in Apex after the Florida State game. It was a pretty big deal: a good portion of the town evacuated, and there may be some health consequences as a result of the accident.
If you all know me, you know I like to look at the positives of a situation. Believe it or not, there’s even a light side to these sorts of industrial accidents: namely, the development of super powers as a biological response to hazardous waste.
It happened to the Flash. It sort of happened to the Drizzle. Now it’s happened to yours truly, a mild-mannered undergrad. Out of the ashes of the Environmental Quality Company storage facility in Apex, a new hero (or villain — I haven’t decided yet) has been born.
True, I may have been listening to a little too much Stephen Lynch, but I’ve worked really hard this past weekend, and I think I’m ready to start implementing my super plan. First thing’s first. I’m going to need a super theme upon which I will base my persona. Every superhero has one — Spiderman has spider powers. Green Lantern has blue-alien powers and Superman has, umm, super powers …
Shoot, does this mean I’m going to have ball powers? Ballman: he’s preserving justice and fighting crime — with his balls.
No, no, no, that just won’t super-do. I need something a bit more catchy, and maybe more useful. I think instead I’ll don the theme of our own fantastic University as my super persona. Packman and Wolfman are already more or less taken, so I’ll just call myself The Red Wolf. Yeah, that’s got a nice ring to it; I’ve always fancied having a definite article preceding my name.
I was originally going to get historical and call myself The Red Terror, until I learned that besides being NCSU’s old mascot, red terror is also a term used to describe violent acts committed by communist governments. So, I’ll stick with The Red Wolf. I think it fits in nicely with my new super powers. Oh, that’s right; let me tell you all what I got from the little fire out in Apex (besides pulmonary edema).
I’ve been gifted with the power of super speed. I was a fast little white boy beforehand — any student dodging traffic on Hillsborough Street needs to be pretty fast. However, with my newfound ability to increase my velocity as an exponential function of time, I’ll be able to streak through campus and outrun the cops on a whole new level. Maybe I’ll even be able to rush the football field after a game without getting caught. Ha, just kidding y’all: I never broke the LAW. I am the LAW!
Super speed is great, but it won’t score you points with the ladies. Fortunately, I’ve developed another super power to hit it big on the love side of things.
The poisonous gases released into the air as a result of the Apex accident have heightened the power of my central nervous system, to the point where I can read minds and mildly influence the thoughts of those around me. I like to call this power “the pack mind.” I’m like Mel Gibson from that dumb movie, except without the anti-Semitism and the affinity for Helen Hunt (she’s a good actress. It’s just that she did “Panic Room”).
That’s right ladies. Look out, because The Red Wolf is on The Red Prowl. Whoa, that just sounds wrong.
Being psychic isn’t all biscuits and gravy. I actually had a bit of a problem with this power. I was pretty inebriated on Saturday night, and I kind of lost control of the whole influencing other people thing. Long story short, I would suggest steering clear of the woods by Trailwood until the tranquilizers kick in.
That was an unfortunate business, but I do intend to use my psychic abilities for good by convincing the powers that be to get rid of the tailgate lockdown.
I also ended up with a third power: heat vision. I don’t exactly have plasma-hot eyes like Cyclops or Superman. I actually can’t get anything hotter than about 250 degrees Fahrenheit. My self-styled Eyes of the Wolf won’t help very much in my crime-fighting endeavors, but I can make a mean quesadilla and I can cook a pig if I stare at it for about ten hours.
That pretty much sums it up for now, at least until more powers manifest themselves. OK, so maybe my superhero persona doesn’t sound so super. Maybe my column is starting to sound like a Strong Bad e-mail. Maybe my archnemesis, The Blue Ram, doesn’t have a credible back story. At least I’ll be out there fighting for justice and the NCSU way of life.
Those villains that would destroy tailgating and other traditions, oppress undergrads with biased NPO laws and alcohol enforcement and ruin the finances of struggling students with higher tuition and fees should beware. The Red Wolf is out there, and he has a weekly column.
Who is The Drizzle? E-mail Ball at [email protected]
