Last week I received a campus forum response which read, in part,

“Jeff, why is it that every column you’ve written lately has been making fun of a type of person, or sometimes many at once, whose biggest fault is that they’re not you?”

After some thought, I have realized this guy was correct. I have done very little, in my recent columns, but make fun of people.

So in this column I’d like to change my tune, and bestow some PRAISE upon a few deserving objects.

The first group of people I’d like to praise is the staff of Technician. These people work hard, very hard, to put out this paper each and every weekday. All the editors spend a minimum of four hours putting a single issue together, and most spend a lot more than that. Editor-in-Chief Tyler Dukes basically lives at the office. And yes, sometimes the quality of writing is bad, and sometimes the “stories” deal with nothing more exciting than a professor running over a student’s foot. But nevertheless, these people put out a 8 to 12 page newspaper, day in and day out, for the campus to enjoy, and they deserve the highest praise for their efforts.

So thanks, Technician staff, for putting this paper in this guy or girl’s hand.

Now, there’s something wrong here. I’ve just praised some people, and it wasn’t funny. There wasn’t a drop of humor in that last paragraph, not even a smidgen. Nevertheless, I’ll keep going.

Next, I’d like to praise a few of my fellow Technician columnists. Ken Ball is intelligent and eloquent. Todd Rowe is also intelligent, and his financial advice has proven useful to me on more than one occasion. Kate Kosinski writes with passion, and I agree with most of her opinions while Meghan Woodall is readable, which is more than I can say for most op-ed columnists at this paper or any other.

I only named four columnists, and perhaps the others are insulted that I did not mention them too. If so, I advise them to A. challenge me to a duel, or B. quit their sniveling.

Again, I just praised some people who deserved it, and again, it wasn’t funny. The only funny part was when I insulted the rest of the Viewpoint staff. I’m starting to pick up on a theme here.

Next, I’d like to praise a specific subsector of the female population: nice hot girls. By “nice hot girls” I mean women who are both attractive and nice. There is something about an attractive woman which makes her niceness much more valuable and fulfilling than the niceness of any other person. If an attractive woman says “Hello” to me, or even just smiles at me, it makes my day. So thanks, lovelies, for showering your beauty and goodwill upon the whole world, and making us all happy.

I must also take this opportunity to praise one particularly attractive, particularly nice girl who makes my day every day, and who makes my life a life of happiness, rather than of humdrum contentment.

I just praised some more people, and it STILL wasn’t funny. I don’t know if it’s ever funny to praise people. I’ll try once more.

Finally, I’d like to praise Daniel Evans, who made a fine showing in his most recent start, and saved us from the shame of a 1-3 record. His Hail-Mary touchdown pass to win the game was undoubtedly one of the great moments in N.C. State football history, and he deserves heaps of praise for coming through in the clutch. Heaps of praise, too, are due to John Dunlap, who caught the ball. Great job, guys!

Now see, I’ve got this figured out. I’ve praised and praised and praised, and there was nothing humorous about it. Not a bit of it was funny.

Goodwill and humor don’t mix, in other words. I can’t be positive and funny at the same time. I can be positive, and compliment the people who deserve it, and recognize the people who are truly making this campus a better place, and in doing so, bore my readers to tears. Or I can criticize any and everyone on campus, deliberately misinterpret people’s motives, and hurt the feelings of random strangers, and in doing so, make people laugh.

I guess it boils down to this: if you can hurt one person’s feelings, but in doing so, make a hundred people laugh, should you do it? After long consideration (about five seconds) I have decided that yes, you should.

And that’s the last word, I’m afraid.

E-mail Jeff at [email protected]