It was a hot, peaceful summer night, and little Johnny Wangerdanger was asleep in his comfy bed when a blue fairy buzzed into his room. The fairy landed on Johnny’s nose, and he awoke.

“Hello, Johnny,” said the fairy.

“Who’re you?”

“I’m the College Fairy,” said the fairy, “and I’m here to show you what college is really like.”

With that, she whisked her wand, and Johnny found himself being drawn out the window. Soon the two of them were flying high above the city of Raleigh, whose lights were very beautiful in the night. Presently they began to descend, and came to a hovering stop outside the window of a tall brick structure.

“What’s this?” Johnny asked.

“This is Bragaw dorm,” the fairy said. “Go on, look in the window.”

Johnny peered in the window, and beheld a solitary figure, his eyes fixed on his computer screen, moving his mouse about, a picture of absorbed idiocy.

“Who’s that?” Johnny asked.

“That guy,” said the College Fairy, “is addicted to video games. For the first time in his life, he has the chance to overcome his nerdly origins, make some friends and build some confidence. Instead he spends all his free time glued to his computer, playing Counterstrike.”

“That is one pathetic loser,” said Johnny.

“You bet he is,” said the College Fairy. “Here, I’ll show you something else.”

They flew away from the dorm, and presently were hovering above a small, leafy grove on the outskirts of campus. Within this grove were several figures, standing in a circle. Johnny saw a flicker of light, and one of the parties began to cough violently.

“What’re they doing?”

“They’re potheads,” explained the College Fairy. “Their social lives revolve around marijuana. They’re doing terribly in all their classes; they make no effort to meet new people; they just smoke pot all day.”

“They don’t look very happy,” said Johnny.

“No, they’re not, but they think they are. It’s really a shame.”

The College Fairy whisked her wand, and the two of them flew away to another dorm. Gazing in the window, Johnny beheld an unhappy sight: a young woman lying in her bed, her eyes fixed on the ceiling, a look of soul-suffering despondency on her face.

“What’s wrong with her?”

“Her boyfriend just dumped her,” said the College Fairy.

“So what?” Johnny asked. “Why can’t she just get over it?”

“Have you ever been dumped, Johnny?”

“No, I haven’t,” Johnny admitted.

“A broken heart is the very worst feeling in the world,” the College Fairy said. “Just look at her. She can’t enjoy anything; all the pleasure is gone from her life. She’s thinking about suicide right now. So watch yourself, little Johnny, when you pursue relationships in college, because love hurts, and the less you care about the opposite sex, the happier you’ll be.”

The College Fairy now guided them away from the poor heartbroken lass’s window and over to a tall gray building. “This is the library,” said the fairy. “There’s one more person I’d like you to meet.”

They flitted over to a top floor window. Looking in, Johnny perceived an unhealthy-looking student seated at a desk, a pencil in his hand, his brow wrinkled in worry and concentration.

“Who’s this?”

“This guy thinks schoolwork is more important than anything else,” the College Fairy said. “He’s cramming for his calculus final on a Saturday night, when he ought to be out having fun.”

“Poor guy.”

“Yeah,” said the fairy, “and the sad thing is, he thinks he’s doing something good for himself. He’s sacrificing his present for his future, but his present is all he has. Come on, my work is done.”

They zoomed back over the Raleigh cityscape, and the fairy guided Johnny back into his room. Johnny sat down on his bed, musing over the events of the past half hour. The College Fairy took a seat on top of his lamp.

“So, Johnny, what have you learned?”

“I don’t know,” said Johnny. “Don’t play video games, don’t smoke pot, don’t fall in love and don’t study?”

“No, no, no!” said the College Fairy in exasperation. “College is about studying, and it’s about having fun, and it’s about broadening your horizons, too. What I’m trying to teach you is that you should live your college life in moderation. Study, but not too much; play video games, but don’t play ’em all night; be willing to try new things, but make responsible choices and recognize that drugs are illegal for a reason; go on dates, but don’t be in any hurry to fall in love.”

“Gee, thanks, College Fairy,” said Johnny. “How can I ever repay you for all the help you’ve given me?”

“Stop looking at my boobs,” the College Fairy said. “And that’s my final lesson.” She flew out the window and disappeared into the clear summer night.

E-mail Jeff at [email protected]