This is the last column I will ever write for the Technician. I will graduate on May 12, with a master’s degree in mathematics.
After that, I plan to be a beggar. I will stand outside Jimmy Johns, perhaps playing my harmonica, and beg for alms from generous passers-by.
In keeping with my new profession, I would now like to BEG a few people to take a few useful actions, which will make the next school year a much better experience for all concerned.
First of all, if you can write decent prose, I BEG you to apply to Technician‘s Viewpoint section for next year. Writing Viewpoint columns is much easier than you might think. We do not have a particularly strong staff here, and one outstanding columnist could make all the difference. It’s a lovely feeling, too, to read your words in print and reflect that people are enjoying your writing.
I know damn well that there are random students who could write Viewpoint columns on par with those currently running. So do something for your school; join Viewpoint, and make the Technician more credible and entertaining.
Next, I BEG you, if you ever find yourself in a difficult romantic position, to follow your heart. Your heart will not lead you wrong, in most cases. Recently, I found myself in a very, very difficult romantic situation, and like a fool, I made my decision based on thought, not passion, and will consequently regret this decision for the rest of my life.
Your heart is your only guide for matters of love; your brain has very little to do with it. Don’t try to have feelings for someone whom you believe you “should” be dating, because that person is nice and sweet and “perfect.” Let the feelings come first, and then go with them. There is nothing more ridiculous, nor pathetic, I am sure, than to push away a person you are genuinely interested in, for the purpose of starting a relationship with someone for whom you have no true feelings.
The next item on my agenda is similar to the previous one. If you are female, attractive, not very heavy, intelligent, well-read, funny and serious, I BEG you to e-mail me through Viewpoint, or through my school e-mail, which can be found in the campus directory. I am tired of meeting boring women, and since this is my last column, I see no harm in casting out a line.
Next, I BEG you, whoever you are, to be nice. Niceness is the key to collective happiness. I wholeheartedly subscribe to the bumper sticker “Mean People Suck”; it sums up my entire philosophy on ethics. If you’re a mean person, then cut it out because you suck. And what is more, the great majority of people do not appreciate your meanness.
We all know the value of a little niceness on a bad day. Indeed, random niceness might just be the best thing in the whole wide world.
Next, I would like to beg YOU, my friend, NEVER TO KILL YOURSELF! No matter how bad matters become, they can always turn themselves around with astonishing rapidity. I have been suicidal, or nearly so, in my lifetime, but I knew that if I just did my best, and endured, things would improve. And they did.
Time solves more problems than any man, and a problem that seems insurmountable today might easily work itself out before the morning. Also, suicide is selfish and cowardly, and we owe better to our parents than to wrong them so grievously.
Enough begging. I would now like to say a word to my critics. The great majority of you are illogical, prejudiced, little-minded morons. Most of you would not know a logical deduction (or a grammatical clause, for that matter) if it crawled up your asses and exploded. However, in my time at Technician I have learned that morons exist, and will always exist, and my only comfort is that I generally meet them only through their responses, and not in person.
To those of my critics who wrote in courteously, I extend a warm thank-you for your interest and politeness. In most cases, if you wrote in politely, I replied.
To everyone who wrote in to say they LIKED my columns, or joined a Facebook group in support of them: Thank you very much. Your good opinions meant more than you can know.
And finally, to my friends and family: I love you all. And let that be my closing message. Behind the joking, and the drinking, and the crazy, awkward relationship situations, and the tests, and the studying, and the 8 a.m. classes, and the car trouble, and all that, it’s really all about the love. This is a cliche, but only because it’s true.
E-mail Jeff at [email protected].