After three days of deep deliberation, university officials have unanimously decided on new stricter laws on segregation on campus. Officials believe that the new university-wide policy will make the Hill more welcoming to students that do not fit the stereotypical Chapel Thrill mold. According to Chancellor Holdon Baws, the administration feels that the new policies will make political correctness a staple of the university.

“With this new policy, the students and faculty will be required to ignore all qualities that make people individuals,” Baws said. “Students who do not adhere to the new policy will face severe consequences. On the first violation the perpetrator will be banned from campus for a week and on second violation, the perpetrator will be banned from all University affiliated things for life and sent to North Carolina Central University for the remainder of their college career with no option to transfer anywhere.”

According to Fratty McShortshorts, president of the Interfraternity Council, the new guidelines will change the face of Greek life at the University forever.

“Under the new policy all the fraternities and sororities have to have equal representation of all ethnic and racial groups on campus,” McShortshorts said. “I think it is kind of ridiculous, but there is nothing we can do — we fought as hard as we could but the administration just wouldn’t listen.”

Students on campus have mixed views on the subject but a clear majority is distraught over the decision.  Poppin Would, a senior double majoring in midlevel women’s studies and guilty white liberalism and also a member of Gamma Alpha Yoyo fraternity, is very disgruntled about the decision.

“It’s like the kids that buy kilos of coke weekly have to befriend the trash that can only afford an eight ball a week,” Would said. “Not only that, the families that owned slaves in the 18th century have to befriend those that could only afford indentured servants.”

It can be safely concluded that the new policies will force Brooks Brothers to be equal with Polo, Tarjay with Wal-Mart, Sperry’s with Nike Air Force Ones, and North Face with Columbia. A pervasive fear on campus is that the legacies will have to interact with the students who got in sole based on merit alone.

“Those damn smart kids are gonna ruin it all for us,” Would said. “Our families have worked for generations to advance our surname and now that all has to go out the window.”

 *This story is not real and the identities in this story are made up, as they are all part of the 2009 Daily Tarhell spoof edition.*