What might you expect to see if you walk out to Franklin Street on Halloween this year? A scantily clad sexy devil? A horde of drunken ogres? A pair of penises floating around Spanky’s? Think again.
The only frightening feature of this treasured Tar Hole cluster cluck you’ll see will be an assortment of land mines, barbed wire, and flame throwers.
After calling for a “Homegrown Halloween” in 2008, Town Manager Rob N. Stanstil. approved a measure today that will call for maximum force to ensure that the crowd size will remain “as small as possible.”
“We’re sick and tired of drunken Durhamites coming in here with their video cameras and taking away our virginal female population’s dignity,” Stanstil said. “There comes a point where you have to take harsh action. Enough is enough.”
Although Stanstil believes that the ideal crowd size would be zero persons per square mile, he admits that may not be possible if the city wants to allow the newly commissioned National Guard units to patrol the streets.
“We jumped at the opportunity to patrol Franklin Street on Halloween,” Macon Paine, a special ops unit commander from the 43rd Infantry Division, said. “With us on the street, maybe no one will get shot this time.”
Paine has laid out a plan of action for Halloween that involves tainting the beverage distilleries with potassium cyanide and requiring apocalyptic-style marks for access to the street’s diverse array of restaurants.
“We really want to cut back on the overall consumption of alcohol and have a major system of control for food consumption,” Paine said. “All that post-Halloween vomit has been a health hazard in recent years.”
After receiving presidential approval to suspend the writ of habeas corpus, the City Council has authorized National Guard medical units to administer total frontal lobotomies for individuals not complying with the regulations.
Willie B. Hardigan, a junior in political correctness, applauds city council leaders for coming up with what he describes as the “most logical plan.”
“Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but if they break the law they deserve to lose a very important part of their life,” Hardigan said. “Me love the way stuff happens in the state of Chapel Hill.”
Before trailing off into a series of non sequitur statements, Hardigan revealed that he underwent a similar operation while participating in a trial clinic directed by UNC’s School of Medicine.
Chancellor Holdin Stork and campus police chief Wanda Reich-Gooberschmidt neither condone nor accept the military action, but have insisted that the campus will fully cooperate with the city to ensure that the Kristallnacht is efficient while also being beneficial for Tar Hole fans.
“I just want to remind everyone that the best place to be during Halloween is where you will be the safest — on Hillsboro Street giving money to Raleigh people,” Reich-Gooberschmidt said.
RAs will be trained for combat and issued 9mm handguns for the otherwise festive event with orders to shoot to kill any resident choosing to approach Franklin Street.
“The world is too dangerous for our students to be out frolicking around,” Turd said. “And if our students can’t go without using the bathroom for 12 hours, maybe we just need to quit using student fees to pay for dining hall laxatives.”
