Carolina fans can rest assured that head foosball coach B*tch Doofus will be in Chapel Hell for at least one more season pending the unexpected firing of any Division-I coaches between now and August.
Although his name appeared linked to various coaching jobs around the country, all schools opted to fill those positions with more highly-qualified candidates.
“This just wasn’t my year,” Doofus said. “If a job had been open when we got off to a hot start things could be different right now. After we faded down the stretch and got beat up in our home state in a bowl game, I pretty much knew I’d be here at UNC another year.”
Doofus, who spent time coaching in college and the NFL before coming to UNC, was under serious consideration for the head coaching position at Tennessee, though his name was linked to openings at area high schools and recreational leagues. Doofus said it is in his personality to keep an open eye on the job market.
“I like to consider myself the Larry Brown of football, so you can expect me to be on the move before too long,” Doofus said. “I always admired how he was able to move from team to team in basketball. Then I came to Chapel Hell and decided I would keep trying his strategy of betrayal since we are both part of the UNC family now.”
Even after the recent firing of Boston College coach Jeff Jagodzinski after he chose to interview with the New York Jets, UNC athletics detector Dick Baddoer said he had no plans to do the same with Doofus if he chooses to interview elsewhere.
“We think it’s flattering that other schools want to talk to our coach. That never used to happen before I hired [Doofus],” Baddoer said. “We are committed to keeping him here at Carolina, and we will give him whatever he asks for to make that happen.”
Plans to expand Kenan Municipal Park became a reality when Doofus pushed for more seats to be added as part of a negotiation after his first year coaching the Holes.
*This story is not real and the identities in this story are made up, as they are all part of the 2009 Daily Tarhell spoof edition.*
