FERRY LEDORA, INTENSIVE JOB APPLICANT
Head coach Larry Fedora has applied for various other coaching positions while still coaching the UNC football team. He must be extremely displeased in his roll, as he is now trying to switch sports entirely.
Disclaimer: The Daily Tar Hell is purely satirical. Don’t take it too seriously.
For a while, people speculated that head football coach Larry Fedora wanted out of Chapel Hill. He seems to reach for every open head coaching job in the power five ranks. It was almost as if he were treating the state of North Carolina as a resting stop. Many fans argued that it’s hard to sell recruits on a program whose coach is liable to leave at any moment, but Fedora constantly reaffirmed the idea that he wasn’t leaving, even doing so in the middle of an interview for another head coaching job.
Well from what my sources tell me, apparently he has applied for another job … in Chapel Hill. After he heard about Roy Williams checking into anger management, Fedora could not help himself but to apply for the job. What started off as an amusing rumor has been confirmed as a terrifying reality.
When questioned about the incident, Fedora was very brief and frank.
“Well, anything — and I mean anything — is better than Carolina football,” Fedora said. “Besides, I run a few pickup basketball games every week at the rec center so I feel more than qualified. It’s almost instinctual for me at this point. I hear about a big job and I bite.”
This may seem counterintuitive to the reports about him turning down the Tennessee head coaching job, but that was a little different. He said he’d be happier in Chapel Hill because he loves the restaurant Top of the Hill. Furthermore, he gets to keep his job and stay beloved by the fans in Carolina blue, while playing on the weaker side of the ACC and never winning a conference championship. As famous artist Andre Benjamin once said, “That is a sweet, sweet deal.”
Not many know this happened but we reached out to the athletics director to get a comment on the allegations. Bubba Cunningham ran the full gamut of emotions during our time with him, starting off in an upbeat manner.
“At first I thought it was a troll,” Cunningham said. “You guys know how good Larry is with those. But quickly I realized that he actually wanted to be considered for the job.”
At this point, his sadness gave way to confusion as he sat looking bewildered. After a rather lengthy pause, he finished off the interview.
“I’m trapped in a glass case of emotion, but I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that he’ll be back as our head football coach or my athletes will actually go to real classes,” Cunningham said.
As a UNC fan, I felt like Cunningham’s words were inspirational and reaffirming. Hopefully, Williams successfully completes his anger management courses and Fedora returns to football. With our athletics already being in a constant state of purgatory, the last thing we need is the dumpster fire that would ensue from Fedora being hired as the head men’s basketball coach. My advice for Fedora is simple, don’t go chasing waterfalls, just stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.